live fearlessly ❤

It is currently 3.49am as I begin writing this post. It’s one of those nights where insomnia seems to win it’s battle against my bid to sleep but tonight was slightly different. Though restless, I always seem to feel tired and would usually fall asleep by 3am in the morning. Tonight in particular seems to be a restless night for my soul too and somehow I was extremely awake even though I woke up before 11am this morning (having slept at 3am) and didn't take a nap the entire day.

So I found myself heading to my study, pulling out my dairy and my Laudate app on my phone with the intention to find some time back with scripture. It has been a while since I’ve spent my restless nights with the bible or in his presence. I always seem to feel like something is missing at night but I just didn't know what it was. So today out of the blue when the thought popped out of my head, I decided to act upon it.

While waiting for the app to load, I was writing on my planner what I needed to do over the weekend and saw what I had written two days back “Let Go, Let God.” It was a reminder for me to let him take more control over my life and let him lead me to the path he has installed for me but somehow i struggled to find the peace I always felt when I remind myself of it. Deciding that I probably need to look for his guidance in some other way, I turned my attention back to my mobile app.

While reading the First Reading of the day, (Daniel 7:9-10, 13-14) a particular phrase spoke to me which was the last phrase of Daniel 7:14, “his kingship shall not be destroyed”. Taking in mind at this moment I was just blatantly looking for some comfort in his words and have no intention in linking it to my current situation in life but as we all know, God has his own plans and likes to hit us at the least expected. I started tearing up for some reason. It felt like he was reminding me that he has bigger plans install and that everything is in control which is when at this moment when I was internally cringing at my own emotions that I caught the Responsorial Psalm of the day: “The Lord Is King, The Most High over all the earth” - Psalm 97. Man, I was thinking, Ok God, enough, I got you, but as always God tears open all your wounds so that he can reach them so he made me read the second reading.

2 Peter 1:16-19

Beloved:

We did not follow cleverly devised myths

when we made known to you

the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ,

but we had been eyewitnesses of his majesty.

For he received honour and glory from God the Father

when that unique declaration came to him from the majestic glory,

“This is my Son, my beloved, with whom I am well pleased.”

We ourselves heard this voice come from heaven

while we were with him on the holy mountain.

Moreover, we possess the prophetic message that is altogether reliable.

You will do well to be attentive to it,

as to a lamp shining in a dark place,

until day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.

“You will do well to be attentive to it, as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until day dawns and the morning stars rises in your hearts.” I don’t think there can be a more timely reminder than this right now at this point in my life. I lost it. It’s funny how he gets to me really. Taking his time even though he knows I’m slowly drifting away and decided to hit me hard once in a while.

It’s been a difficult 8 months for me this year and even till today I have never felt so lost in my life than I ever did in the past 8 months. It was full of mental struggles and fights with myself over what I needed to do, where I should go. Come to think about it, I didn’t even thought much when I applied for Uni earlier this year, it seemed like all I really wanted to do was to apply something and go back to studying for my exams and wrapping up my FYP.

There was so little thought about was this what God really wanted me to do and was I headed where he really wanted me go? I spent so much time wondering but I truly forgot to discern my decisions with him and I felt now that all I did was rush through my decisions and made do with what I could. Now with that realisation, I come to understand why I wasn’t meant to be accepted into uni. I kept on thinking that Uni was the mark of “success” and that I didn't get into anywhere I am stranded and lost. I couldn't find my way indeed for the past few months. Bumming into an industry I never thought i would and ended up almost landing myself in the hospital. I come to finally realise that i forgot to decide first before making any decision.

All my three years in Poly, I always thought I wanted a career in the industry. I mean I should want it, why else would I be studying my course right? However in my pursue of my dream I started to realise what the real meaning of achieving my dream meant to me. Those late night spent in the office working meant that I don’t get to join my family for dinner. Those days in the office meant that I don’t get to be there for people who needs me because my duty would be to my work first. Those long hours in the office where I feel i should be comes at the expense of time with my loved ones. Time I know I didn't have the luxury to indulge in. I get a best 30 years with my parents if I’m lucky. Though important to me, my dream to me shouldn't come at the expense of my family. I’ve spent too much time of my teenage years, hurting my mother beyond words and all I really want to do is make up for all the time we lost while I was younger.

My years in poly seems to make me realise how important my family was to me. How much I really wanted to spend as much time as I could with them while I can. So I thought that leaving what made me happy was the way out of it but tonight I seem to finally realise that running away wasn’t going to make me happy. I seem to realise that I need to face the challenges that he puts in my way in order to make everyone around me happy and most importantly, make myself happy. It seems in my pursue to love everyone more, I forgot to love myself. I seem to realise that my mother wasn’t happy seeing me drag myself to work everyday because I was doing something out of my element. I realise my Dad wasn't happy seeing me force myself into a decision that i thought was better for everyone. I realised my sister was genuinely worried for me when I decided to step into an industry I had no affinity with.

Sure, I don’t think I was bad at my previous job. My boss thought I was brilliant and capable but there was always something missing to me, there wasn’t any fulfilment. The fulfilment I felt back in my agency. Even though those were some of the hardest 6 months of my life, I have never felt more achieved at every small milestone I break. I have never felt more empowered with what I could do. To feel like you belong somewhere and feel like you’re valued for what you do and you seem to have a special little flare for it? It was wonderful. It seemed to me for a period of time that i didn't want to do it anymore because I was afraid of losing time with people i care about. It was a constant topic with Yu De these few months when he kept encouraging me to go back to try out PR that I kept arguing that I didn’t want to be the kind of wife/mother that spends all her time on her career and eventually i felt that he’ll come to resent me for it. Though he kept reassuring me he wouldn’t but stubborn old me decided otherwise. I guess I finally understand why Yu De could tell me that he knows for sure that he wouldn’t be angry at me for my career decisions even if it meant i’ll be home later than him in future because he saw the joy it gave me. He know how important being good at something is for me. This little glimpse of understanding that dawned upon me seems to help me understand where my family’s stand is on my reluctance to go to university.

My mother and sister kept pushing me back towards the PR industry too even though they knew i’ll be a workaholic and come home late on weekdays. My mom knew that even though she wont have company on a normal day that I would be happier doing something I liked. Because my happiness is as important to them as theirs is to me. In my pursue to make everyone around me happy, i forgot what God had taught me in the first place, that i need to love myself too. It all makes sense to me now. I was crushed when I got rejected to all 3 Unis i applied for forgetting that in the first place I wasn’t even sure if the choices I made was really what I wanted to study.

All I wanted to do was to make my mom proud and happy that you know I made it too. Seeing my mum tear up when I told her I didn’t want to do uni anymore and hearing her tear stained voice when she called me after knowing I didn't make it to uni was perhaps one of the hardest thing I had to go through this year. However, the realisation also sets in that I finally understand that she didn't cry cause she was upset. She cried cause she knows that it made me dishearten, that I didn't feel good not making it. That I wanted to make her proud, but felt like i failed. It wasn't the fact that I didn't make it that hurt her, it hurts her because it hurts me. It hurts her to hear of my plans to skip uni entirely cause I didn't want to burden the family. It hurts because she wanted to give the best to me too. It hurts because she knew it wasn't fair to me that everyone else in the family was provided for uni and here I am bumming around to pay for my own uni fares.

Nothing happens without reason and I struggled to find out why i was placed in this current state i am in. Somehow, I realised tonight that i simply wasn't ready. Instead of giving me what i had blindly chose to do for Uni and risk me regretting my decision afterwards, God decided to put me in this current state to understand what i really want to do and where i was really suppose to head towards. He put me in this state to make me find myself again and truly be ready for the next phase of life. Every emotional encounter he has placed between my family and I seems to be aimed at making me understand where they were coming from and making me understand that my happiness was equally important to them as theirs is to me. These past few months seemed to be a fog that i wouldn't walk out of. I constantly throw myself back into the state of unhappiness because i see everyone else around me moving forward. I simply forgot that he has plans installed and all i really needed do was to let go and let God.

It seems like i forgot to let him be the center of my life and let him lead me where i was supposed to go, typing this right now i seem to picture myself as a stubborn donkey that has been trying to butt out of God’s barriers. putting a gap year ahead for me was to make sure i was ready for the coming year ahead and all i kept doing was trying to struggle out of it and insist that i shouldn't be in this state.

I guess God indeed has his ways to leading his flock back to his arms. He knows I needed to exhaust myself to the point that I feel extremely restless to figure out what he has been trying to tell me all these while. Funny aren’t we? As momma Ann always say, we always seem to find a way to insist that what we think is the right way is what God wants us to be, so the only way to halt us on our way to the "right path" is to take away all sense of peace and certainty for while. It leaves us lost for a moment and that restlessness is what brings us back to him when we are desperate and at our wits end. (Oh gosh) I think for the first time in 8 months I finally felt the peace i was looking for. I finally felt as though i am exactly where i needed to be and where God wants me to be. Though still equally clueless as to where this is going to take me but I feel less restless about it because i know eventually i’m going to figure this out and eventually I will be on the right track again. “You will do well to be attentive to it, as to a lamp shining in a dark place,

until day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.”

So as I round this up, I pray for the strength and the grace to always be reminded that I am exactly where i am supposed to be and in times where i feel lost and helpless to always be patient and wait for he will always provide. May i always be in active discernment over this one year to figure out the year ahead and make the right decisions that he desires and may i always be faithful and have less of me, more of him. So tame the restless soul in my lord. Thank you for the encounter tonight. :’)

God bless,

your faithful daughter once again.

6 Aug 2016, 5.35am

To be very honest, i've tried time and time after again to make it a point to pen down my thoughts but i dont ever seem to do it enough so i deceided since i type faster than i write, this seems like a better place for me to voice my thoughts, not for anyone else, but for the sake of getting it out. It's been close to a month since the break up and my road to self recovery and discovery continues.

My road to self recovery apparently involves facing all my fears and facing all the challenges i used to run away from. my road to self recovery apparently involved all the past to be dug up and thrown at me. but what changed, is the fact that im facing every bit and peiece of it. i was grumbling to god this morning and was really upset and i asked him, why on earth are you throwing things in my face time and time after again when im trying to move on and be a better person? why are you throwing things from my past to haunt me and stop me from ever trying to be better. and now as i type this post, it just dawned upon me that i can NEVER move forward and be entirely whole without facing the issues that broke me in the first place. i can never fully move ahead without reservations, without fears until my past has been addressed. i prayed time and time after again for strength and for healing, but i never realised that in order to heal fully, everything in the past needs to be addressed.

The thing about me is that i keep trying to fling everything behind me, but i always keep forgetting that everything that broke me in the past hasnt even been healed and i just keep trying to move forward. sure it's been fine all along and i try as hell as hard not to let it affect me, but today i finally saw that the day i made my decision and asked god for healing, it was the day hell broke loose in my life. he literally dragged EVERYTHING from my past and threw it in my face. it's really not funny and shit, but today i sit down and im honestly quite thankful for it. im honestly thankful for this chance to face my demons and make peace with it.

I've walked aroung my entire life being a broken person who wonders why the hell i've been so broken always. being filled with all my misconceptions of what love is and what i wanted in life was tiring and painful. entering in to relationships i never knew what i wanted, yude joked about how i always attract screwed up people into my life and to be very honest i think it's cause im screwed up lah. what i saw accpetable at that point of time just happens to be screwed up. it's not that the people are bad or anything, they are really nice people who i think i messed up beyond words and to be very honest it's something i will always regret and can never make peace with because those were pefectly good hearts i broke. but while it was harmful to them, i forget that it was harmful for me too. people come ang go and one thing that stays with you forever is yourself, i kept believeing that some day the " right " one will come along and everything will naturally will be healed. but i know now that even with god's love, the only way you piece yourself together is to the decision to try and address your demons.

the past may not matter a lot because it's over and those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter but end of the day, all the hurt and emotions you have felt through everything you have decided to do is still going to hurt and it will all continue to hurt till the day you decide to let it go. and even when you let it go, things may not seem the way it is. for your previous wounds to heal you need to take care of them, face them and make sure that everything is alright before you move on.

7th June, Sunday
I've typed the portion before this paragraph so long back and never published it and somehow today i decided to pick it up again. Funny how things are and how much as changed since the time i typed the previous paragraphs. Good things have happened and there are many more bad. But if we constantly focus on the bad, we'll never enjoy the good right? Well, intern is picking up so thats a great great thing for me, settling in and feeling rather fine about it. But the migraines are getting more and more frequent and that freaks me out a little. Well, how's YuDe you may ask? Life with him is always good, even when i spend an entire weekend doing nothing but being lazy with him, it feels like the best thing ever. Prehaps that's what happens when you find someone you can make plans with for 6 years down the road and somehow doing the most "boring" things can make you feel blissful enough.

People always say, we accept love we think we deserve. The problem about me is prehaps I never say why i deserve any more than what I am because I always saw myself lesser of what I really am. Funny how a person bursting with self-confidence can be so inconfident in reality. Yu De keeps making me see how much more i am than what i value myself for and how much more I should love myself, but it is also so so diffcult to do so. Afterall, you spent you entire life valuing yourself as so much lesser than what you are, it tends to get to you. it's never easy, but i really am trying. somedays i slip back into the little dark hole i have created for myself. but somedays i feel hopeful.

However, I choose to believe I'm in a much better state than I was 2 months ago. Yes, I break and I fall and i stumble hella lot, but at least I'm learning to be more comfortable with myself. I know that the journey to full recovery will take much longer than I imagine but i also need to remind myself and give myself credit for the fact that I have also came relatively far as well.

The road to recovery seems like a time to make peace with myself and all my demons and im proud to say that stepping outta my comfort zone to make peace with myself. It's still a long long journey but i'm confident that someday i'll make it. afterall, i have him to fall back on. <3 i cant imagine walking without him and im so thankful to call YuDe mine. :) till then, things will keep moving forward, and nicole moves with it.

I got this !

love,
Nickyworlly

my thoughts, uncensored at freaking 1 am onwards in the morning..

It's been a while since I last blogged and honestly life has happened and changed in so many ways that I don't even know where to start but two words kept appearing in my mind recently, that is Letting Go.

we hang on to things even when it hurts, even when it's making us unhappy for we like the familarity of things, we fear change and we are afraid of what lies ahead of us if we let go. we grow so comfortable to the idea of being comfortable with something or someone because they have been in our lives for so long. but what if one day we realised that happiness is not about feeling comfortable in your life?

1 year and 8 months, that's how long it has been. it was a long and drawn out relationship that everyone around us thinks we're mad. cause all we do is argue for as long as anyone can remember. and it's really funny how much we argued and all but we kept the faith going in us that we'll make it somehow. rather i kept believeing that i can keep up with it. i believed that he was the world and i believed i have found the one.

when we first met, i remembered how much i hated his guts for things he did. why was he in a course when he didn't even liked what he was doing i asked myself. didn't like how he kept flirting to get my attention and possibly didnt like how he annoyed me on whatsapp when i was trying to do work. but i fell regardless, i fell and i let myself lose myself thinking that it was exactly what i wanted. hurt the person i never thought i would and cause him to possibly hate me now. i lost my best friend trying to love someone i thought was the one for me and i let myself. even when i remembered how much i didnt like him at first. but i fell anyway. plunged into it. and i was happy at that point of time.

we loved, we smiled, we played and we cared. But the problem was that i never knew what i liked about him and what attracted me to him in the first place but i cared and i really wanted it to work out i tried as hard as hell to be what he wanted me to be and was trying my best to be the perfect girlfriend even when i wasnt. i know i was damn hurtful at first and i tired as hell as i can to make up for it. thinking its okay to take shit because i was once that hurtful too. but i wondered sometimes in the middle of the night if i really was okay with it. if i was really ready to cry myself to sleep time after time over the same damn problem? was i? i can see now that i wasnt at all. i wasnt ready to lose myself, but guess what? i did.

i lost the part of me i fought so hard to get back. i lost the part of me i promised to never lose again and i lost what i treasured the most. i lost me. i lost the sanity that i kept within me and i kept bending and breaking for things that i thought was okay for.

i hated promises, and yet he promised to keep them. but he broke it. i dont think ive felt more alone when i was left alone for the 3 weeks when he was thousand miles away from me. yes i dont need you to call me everyday or anything but it would have been nice to have heard your voice once in that 3 weeks when i went through hell, when i killed myself that week loading myself with camps and NPAP at the same time and ended up fainting before my parade. it would have been nice to hear your voice when i felt like i was crumbling and dying.

it would have been nice to talk about my future with you without telling me that you didnt like the idea of me bringing my kids up in a catholic enviroment because i was catholic. it was hurtful and insensitive. it would have been nice if you could have been there for my races before the start to give me a hug and tell me it was okay when i was trying to calm myself. it would have been nice if you could have told me that it was okay to be injured and not "i told you to stop" when the races i ran meant to much to me. it would have been nice to be more sensitive to how ive felt during my friend's funeral when i had to deal with losing someone who welcomed me with opened arms and not hear from someone else saying, " you realised you're already prepared to send your friend off but you're just really caught up because he wasn't there for you?". it would have been nice to be supported in my every step in my carrer option instead of " i don't get why you're always busy. " it would have been nice to just do work with me just to spend time with me instead of " im studying with my friends cause there's no point sitting with you when you're with your friends." it would have been nice to be held in the middle of the night when i cried over shit. it would have been nice to even been asked, " would you like me to come down and find you" when it's the middle of the night and i felt like dying. it would have been nice when i didnt have to deal with insentivity over whatsapp and asshole remarks when i was already in hell with my work and burning out damn fast. it would have been nice if i didnt have to cry constantly over the fact that you've been so hurtful all these while. it would have been nice if you has trusted me over the past 1 year and 8 months of us.

if a realtionship is anything, it is built on faith and lots of trust. but you know what didnt exist in our realtionship? trust in me. you alwasy doubted and always felt i was too close to people. why couldnt it be that there could have been more faith in me? it was something ive never gotten and something i will never get. telling me you didnt like my friends when i had to deal with yours even when you told me that they didnt like me. i took it and shut up and was nice to them. im sorry my friends arent perfect. no one is right? has it ever occured to you that it hurts when you compare me to someone else? telling me that she's prettier than me, smarter than me, better than me. it doesnt help that you compare me to a common friend either. you've made me doubt time after time if i was ever enough for you. if i was ever pretty enough for you, good enough for you, or are you just obliged to settle for something less? i'll never know. cause you'll never ever see through my insecurities or my doubts. it was 1 year and 8 months worth of time and you never saw through me. i read you like a book and i know when you need to be reassured and when you needed to be reminded that you're loved. but you never saw through me made the effort to understand me and what i really want.

it's been a year and 8 months and you dont get me. im sorry im too difficult for you to read, im sorry i just was never enough for you to stop comparing me to someone else. im sorry that im me. im sorry that i was too complicated for you to get. my strength didnt mean i didnt need reminders that im enough for someone, my strength is not a liscence to hurt me. my strength didnt mean i was bulletproof. my strength was not a sign i didnt have insecurities. i was a person of many words, but if you realy knew me, you would know that im more broken then anyone you prolly have met. if you really knew me, you would know that i dont like talking about my emotions because i didnt have words for it. if you really knew me.. you would know what im carrying on my shoulders and why i was always so driven to do so damn well in school. i wanted to give so much to my life, but i kept bending and bending to become who you wanted me to be. i kept trying to be enough for you and guess what? i kept losing myself. i kept asking who the hell i am.

sundays didnt just become damn important to me. it always was. but i always felt damn obliged to spend it with you instead of god because it seems like i never had enough time for you to you. God didnt suddenly become exteremly important to me, it always was and you kept me from trying to be good catholic and i let you. i let you take pieces of me away because i think its okay. i think it was okay to lose myself cause i can always find myself back but it's not okay. because i cant. i cant find me back and it sucks because losing myself is something i cant deal with and i thought you understood. i thought you would get why im always so afraid of losing myself. but you didnt. the same way you didnt understand me you didnt see that there was anything wrong in our entire journey. even though it was right there.

it's not that i didnt loved you or that it was easy to get over you. you were like my own personal sun and i got too close and got burnt. it was a good 1 year and 8 months, filled with happiness and smiles that i will always treasure, because even when it hurt, it was good too. when you were there through the tough times. but what outweighed it all was the fact that it was toxic to both of us, when more than one person keeps asking me when i keep hanging on even when it hurts it already shows that my unhappiness is affecting people and i hate crying myself to sleep when its as if i didnt have enough to deal with, it was me that couldnt deal with that. a breakup is never a person's fault and even though this long ass post may seem blaming yout but its not, it sharing with you my thought all these months. you may not get it and i dont expect you to. but letting go is important for me because hurting is even worse, even till today your words have the power to hurt me and make my entire mood change in an instant and i hate it because i really am trying to be okay. bit by bit im trying to be better, i wasnt a good girlfriend to you. i was demanding, emotional and a hella of a bitch, but i was me. i was me all along. and even though a long the way i grew up, learnt what i really wanted, i stayed true to me. and i was me all along. it's not about whos right and who's wrong you see, there is no right or wrong in a realtionship. to love at all is to be vulnerable, to give the person free reign to tear you apart. if i had tore you apart wth my parting, that was what you have made me feel for the past year. imagine all the pain you're feeling right now, prolonged over a year. i loved you with my entire heart and i will always care of you and some parts of me can never be taken back. but loving you killed me. it took too much of me and i couldnt continue giving because i felt empty. i felt drained and i felt like it was more damage than happiness. i wasnt happy anymore. i wasnt bright and cheery like i used to be. along the way the colours in my life got muted and i forget what's like when we were happy.

it was then i knew, it was time to let go. when you kept pushing me up the wall when i needed space, i just couldnt. i couldnt bring myself to hurt you because you still matter and i know, that it'll kill you and i wanted to avoid it at all cost. i really did. but i couldnt keep lying to myself that i was happy either. there wasnt anyone else, there was just me and you and the fact that i felt that we both weren't happy anymore. it was 1 year and 8 months of our lives i'll never get back, if for one minute you stopped to think and take your ego out of the picture, you'll see that it hurts for me too every bit as much as it hurts for you. but if you saw a little deeper, you could have also saw the pain ive been bearing for the past 1 year, but you didn't. what you saw was someone else trying his best to piece me back together. thats all you see at this moment.

yes, i do feel something for that person. i feel comfortable with him, i feel ike i've known him for so damn long even though we only met a year ago. and yes, he understands me perfectly and it didnt take much for him to see through how much i was hurting all these while and how much i was shouldering and carrying on my shoulders. and for the first time in my life, he made me feel like i was exactly just enough for him. he made me realise that home might just be a person. yes, he likes me and im pretty sure i do too. but no. he was not the cause of us breaking apart because when you didnt see, all the problems between us have already forced us apart. why i could attempt to be happy immediately after we broke up? because before you drove me up the wall and i made it clear to you, my heart was already broken and mending, because when you were caught up with " why isnt she telling me or talking to me " i was moving on. i was clearing up my heart and i was trying to make it hurt less. because while you were thinking theres nothing wrong in our relationship, my heart died. Yes, i might have screwed up ending it and yeah i may be a bitch to you for " moving on " so fast but how sure are you that im over you? how sure are you that you dont affect me. it's not like me and him are moving on into a new realtionship or anything because he knows for sure that im not ready. because while you're hurting, you forget that i am too, that it's not easy for me too.

you can be mad, you can scream, you can blame me and you can tell the whole world that i was the one at fault, but i wont apologise for finding happiness and moving on. i wont apologise for trying to mend me, i wont apologise for the choice i make because sometimes, you cant wait for the right time, it's now or never. i might never ever take back the pieces i gave you and i may always care for you, but i think we both deserve happiness that we couldnt bring to one another. we both deserve to smile and say i think im happy. but while youre hurting, just remember for once that it hurts for me too. you were once everything to me, the sun that shined and made me life brighter but like i said, i got too close and got burnt. it was a hella ride with you in life, and looking back all the happy times, it makes me smile and remember how happy were, but i forgot when was the last time we were happy in our realtionship because along the way, talking turned to screaming and screaming turned to crying and the love we had turned to pain and toxic and hurt. so yes, i will start dating when im ready and i'll try as hella hard to get over you not because i hate you or anything, but instead im looking for me again. till then, im dating jesus and making up for all the lost time i didnt get to spend with him. my realtionship with god was important to me but you didnt see that and ultimately i chose god over you. becuase my duty is first to god, then to my family and friends and lastly myself, our realtionship took me away from my realtionship with god and you just didnt make me see a future i can spend with you in christ. my faith was important to me, but you felt differently about it.

to love at all is to be vulnerable and risk getting hurt, but i think i had enough of hurting and smiling is easier than hurting. i gave you the powere to break my heart and you tore me to pieces. so im lettign go now.

love, nic.

someone asked me this quesion about 2 days ago i believe on ask.fm,

"Who are you? Names, nationalities, and virtually any other socially-defined attributes do not count. Deep down, who are you? "

and i answered, that i honestly dont think names and nationalities are socially-defined attirbutes, because i think it's hard facts. and the name i have defines who i am also cause it has a meaning behind it unless you told me your parents names you without thought, but i believe each name has a meaning behind it regardless. haha.

deep down? im a broken, exhausted soul that is forced to live in a world where cruelty is rampant, and backstabbing is made the social standard yet i stand hopeful on some days that by the grace of god, one day i might wake up to a nice world. im a broken, exhausted soul forced to watch the world be torn apart by my own kind and weep for the thousands of lives being lost every single minute. im a broken, exhausted soul sitched together by sheer determination to change the world in my own little way. im a broken, exhausted soul sitched together by good intentions and by the love that god has placed in my heart, to love the world more than i can, to love my family more than my own life, to love the people i hold close to my heart even when they turn away from me. i'm a broken, exhausted soul trying my best to be who i want to be in this world, im normal and i dont aim to be extraordinary in everyone's eyes, i just want to be good daughter, a good catholic, a good friend, a good person. i am a broken and exhausted soul, but im thankful for all the broken-ness cause it taught me lessons i never thought i would ever learn.

after typing all that i literally stopped and so much thought was actually running through my head. maybe it was the rain clouding up my thoughts (you see what i did there?) but honestly i asked myself what happened. two year ago i told myself i was gonna be a happy and fufilled soul and always be bright and happy for people around me. what happened, it's like all of a sudden im the dark and twisty one in life and i really hate that part of it. the older i grow, the more it seems like ive came to terms that i cant make everyone happy and in my life and as much as i hate it and i dont like the way it is, i just cant please everyone and even though i used to say that a lot too in the past, the difference is that i feel i really stop trying. i stop trying to please the whole world cause it's like you suddenly realise that you've been giving so much that you just keep giving and giving and one day you feel hallowed. you feel like there's nothing left inside of you and even till then, you just keep giving still. i dont even have a word for how much that feeling sucks and i just wanna die. it is so tiring and i feel like im drained and i dont wanna deal with life anymore.

what exactly is happiness, is it the fact that you please the world? or is it the plain simple fact of making yourself happy ? sometime i dont even understand it and i dont really want to anymore. so who exactly am i? my name is chong hui xin, nicole. im a broken and exhausted soul that is trying to make the best of life and discover who i really am. dont ask me who i am, ask me what i am about become cause no one ie restricted by who they are and there is no greater thing than having faith and believe tha you can be bigger than yourself, there is no definition of who you are and no limits to what you can dream and what you want yourself to be. with grace, each and everyone of us will take our own world by storm.

" Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."

- Mark 12:30

love, nicky

Like seriously, I think I need to update my blog more. Then again, who reads my blog. (cries a lil inside) So a little about this year, I AM FINALLY IN YEAR 2. That's one year closer to graduation. Sat down the other day and realised, that in a matter of a few months, I'll start writing my resumes and having interviews for my internship (note to self: start compiling my portfolio *sighs*) It actually scares me how fast this year has went past, but nonetheless, it's been an amazing year filled with so much fun. (said no APR year 2 ever.) HAHA. keeds. Before someone gets all started about how ungrateful i am for grumbling about my course cause I'm always whinning and all, dont get me wrong cause, I really LOVE what i do. It's really what i had expected to do and I'm pretty sure this is what i want in life and as a job, but I've just been feeling so suffocated with all the stuff going on in my life and I feel so exhausted and like I would be smothered the moment I stopped trying. Does anyone feel me? ):

Things have been so hectic and it's pretty cool honestly, how I'm meeting people whom could be my potential bosses and going to agencies that I've never seen before and all the mumble jumble of APR golory. But maybe cause I'm doing the PR sem first, there is so much content to cover that seem to overlap one another and so many tests coming one after another. It scares me to think that like 60% of all my grades have been covered before my holiday when I haven't gotten any of my assignments back yet. It's just that insecure feeling that you have that your work isn't good enough and you have no idea how well or how bad you have done and you have to keep doing the same type of assignments anyway.

But hey on the bright side, I managed to score an A+ for my news writing test and that is legitly the ONLY grade I know for my modules up till yesterday, HAHA. today ms zal returned us our critique and I literally just scrapped pass for an A. I'm one step closer to a possible better GPA. I know most of the time, i always say i dont put in effort and i do my work last min and when i say i am worried, i really am and it's not cause im trying to act or anything but i geneuiely worry about my grades cause i really want to get into a local uni to lessen the fam's finicial load. it has never been so important to me): sigh.

So many things have been going on and sometime i question myself why do i bother dong so much and why do i care. it's like so many things affects me and i constantly have a need to cry at night. it's like you can't breathe and if you stop pushing away all the ill feelings you have inside of you, you'll just be engulfed by all that darkness and void. it's like my own personal hell summoned to engulf me and i cant fight it. I miss the people in my life, the things i didnt have to worry about, the stess that seem more managble, the days when life was easier on my mind. the inner workaholic in me isnt helping either. there's so much i want to rant about, to throw into people's faces and stand up for what i believe in sometimes, but all the time, i just shut up and take it in.

it's like since bap, i have lost the ability to confront people about how i feel. speaking of which, I MISS CHURCH. it's like the scariest place for me sometimes now. the place i used to seek comfort seems so distant to me suddenly. i mean i dont think my faith wavered i just feel like i drifted from god cause sometimes it's so hard to feel included in the commuunity and it sucks. i know i shouldnt whine about it and all, but it's just hard and everything else just isn't helping. i rather spend time at home reading devotions than going for mass sometimes, but i drag myself there anyway. sigh. i miss sat sessions, miss si en and ming hon, i miss jeannette's naggings and henry's quiet presence, i miss diane's bubbly self, terrence's cold jokes and gwen's smile. all of a sudden, i feel like im alone, trying to deepen my faith.

there's simply so much going on and i just cant and dont know how to deal with it. i cant wrap my head around it and i dont want to either.i just wanna take one step at a time and just pray that all things will get better, because i believe that it will. it would right? at the very least i have things to look forward to! things i hang onto when the darkness engulfs me. things i cling onto to keep me sane. just keep breathing and moving along right. there isnt time to be weak, we can only stand strong and be strong, cause that's what everyone expects of you.

" But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. "

- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

love, nicky.

Went for the west district youth rally at catholic junior college today. And I was kinda enlightened. It was a good pleasant experience though some parts were really boring. Honestly speaking when his grace archbishop William Goh was talking, I was just like.. ZONKED OUT. Cause I really couldn't focus cause I was hungry. But nonetheless, some of his speech was unknowingly stuck onto me. Unknowingly reached to my mind and soul and heart as he spoke the words.

Believe me, I didn't get half of what he said. Besides the funny stuff, that was really funny and it is stuck with me too. But the main point is! What I took away about love. It just related to me so much so I had to get it off my chest. Yes, it's one of those rare moments I'm motivated to blog a cause I'm inspired. Most f the times, I'm lazy and tired.

I think many of times, we justify ourselves though people's recognition. As human beings we crave for love and attention and we just want to have it . Because like you , I am only human. I've in many relationships because I seek the love that I lacked in my heart. My family was dysfunctional and I didn't feel like I'm at home. Too often than not, I feel like I don't belong and I'm Not loved. Sometimes, we are too caught up with everything around us that we FORGET to love because it just the fact we take it for granted that family will always be there. Too often than not, something is is more important thank loving your family and I cannot deny, i resented my family for this lack of love. And hence I searched for this " love " somewhere else. Through trail and error and many failures. I cannot deny I can't find what I want because at some point, things change and I realized he isn't what I want. And it ends. The " love " we shared was not strong enough to endure. Because maybe perhaps it wasn't true in the first place. I admit, I care a lot for some people I used to date, I still do. But after being at the rally today and pondering about what archbishop said .. I question myself if it was really love.

In 1 Corinthians 13, line 4 to 8 says, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

This explains what his grace has said tonight at the rally. True love is when you love someone more than you love yourself, and the bible phrase in 1 Corinthians 13 , 4-8 explains how you love one more than yourself perfectly. To forgive when that person sins against you, to not be angered, to always trust to always persevere . That's true love. More often than not, we find ourselves looking for that something to fill the emptiness in our hearts, to just make us justified to be in this world, to make us feel accepted and loved. To want and need that acceptance and love. But we truly forget to simply look into our hearts and ask yourself, is what we are blinding searching for what we really want ?

I was blinded for so many years searching aimlessly for that something to fill up the emptiness and turmoil in my heart. But I never was able to feel more at peace and loved than I am with god's presence. No amount of achievements can make me feel more accepted than when I sit in church on a normal day just in his presence because i know without doubt that he is there for me and he loves me for EXACTLY who I am. I've sinned , I am only human stitched together by flaws and sins. But he, The Lord, he accepted me. He loves me and all my its and bits of sinfulness and mistakes and imperfections because he told me that I'm his daughter and he will always love me. So when I'm down and when I'm upset and I just refuse to be strong and hold in all my tears ? I run to my father because he loves me more than anyone in this world.

I know he sends people who loves me to me. I keep theses people dear to my heart and trust them with all I have and love them with all my heart because he taught me how to by loving me. But as I keep these people he sends me close to my heart, i keep God closer to my heart. You see, I'm not a super spiritual person. At least I don't think I am. I start of my day with the simplest thank you because I'm awake. Throughout the day I have small conversations with him because I feel like it , but naturally I don't always do it . I make it a point to always go to church before making big decisions, when I'm moody and when someone is important enough for me to go down to church and cry for and pray for (I'm so mean I know. Why only important people right ). But you see, after my rite of acceptance , I find myself getting harder and harder to get angry at someone. And that's when I know in starting to love people more and more. Not saying I don't get angry cause really i do. Some people are just so stupid you want to smack them in the face. But I don't. The fact that I can't get angry and if I do it'll be a super short period of time, is the justification that I'm loved by god and because his love is So strong, he Influences me !

Honestly I don't know how to love with all my heart . I can't do it because I find something holding me back like I'm scared of something. Perhaps when you open up your hearts to too many people , the easier it is to get hurt. But this pain, is healing. Each time someone hurts you and you forgive then genuinely, you are loving. I know how hard it is to love because I struggle with it all the time, I struggle with loving people I don't really like but I still try. I'm imperfect like everyone else, but I'm trying to love people more than I love myself because god loves me.

When we love we trust, and trust and love are encounters we meet and when we meet with it, we are justified.

I know I may not be the holiest of all people, but I do feel like I should share this with people. Because love , is some thing we all need. This world needs more of it too. Because the emptiness we seek to fill up, is god's love. His love is so great it will fill up all the hollowness of your heart. Because when you encounter him, you know it's enough. His love is enough. It's a constant Struggle to tell myself that but i try anyway . Because I know that I want him in my life. Because I know his love , Is enough for me.

Amen.

God bless,

Chong hui Xin, Nicole (;

16/11/13

Had session today. And it's one of those moments when you just get inspired I guess ? It's just special and unique to me . His love for us was there before the beginning of time and all. The story of salvation and the history of salvation was a beautiful and unique story to me. Concluded session marveling at how deep god's love is for us. How much he loves us all.

Going for the youth conference, there was a video shown. That showed how god taught us so many things in life and yet time after time, we fall into temptation and strayed away from him. Was almost in tears watching that video because it reminded me so much of me. I was moved by the story because once upon a time , I fought his love too. I denied him and didn't want him in my life .

Even going for the conference without the presence with all the people I was comfortable with was a scary thing for me. Yet god sent me an angel to make me feel safe (: I met Timothy at the conference and I was so glad to have someone that I was confortable with there . Shared with Tim how I felt on the way back to church on the bus . Being a convert is a whole different journey for me. Trying to embrace god in a way you never tried to. It's just scary and different from everyone else's journey. Your journey is uniquely yours and no one can go on that journey for you.

So much has changed since I've been back to church. I started to love so much more . His love shines through mine and I love him in ways that I cannot imagine. His love for me was so strings it brought me back to church. He taught me how to love better. Love those around me even if they treated you Unjustly . Love those who offended you and so much more. More importantly , he taught me how to love myself more. Like how he loves me, he taught me to love myself with all my heart.

I've always thought that those years away from church, he was never there for me, he didn't care . But looking back now, I marvel at the every fact that he has always been there for me. He never failed to love me and be there for me. He was there through it all, though all the times I've cried and through all the times I've smiled . And his love eventually brought me home to his embrace and arms .

Going on this journey is certainly a fear I'll always have . I struggle all the time to push this feeling away. Because I refuse to let fear overcome me and stop me from knowing god. Because I WANT to be closer to god . BecAuse I'm still seeking for him and his mission for me. There so much more I want to do with his love. Because he salvaged me from self destruction. Because his love, changed me.

So many people have told me I've changed . Have I ? I keep asking myself . Yes perhaps I have. I stopped trying to please the world. I stop trying to be everyone else but myself . Because I finally see that that is enough . God loves me still, people who accepted me loves me still. That is enough. His love is all that I crave for and need. His love brings me up. And never let's me fall. He is my father, my best friend, my savior. My god.

He taught me before pleasing anyone else, it's most important to please him and yourself . You see I haven't changed . I'm still me. Forever and ever . I'll always be Nicole Seraphina-Joan Chong huixin (: no one can take that away from me. Because god gave me my life and I will love it and live it to its fullest.

Sure there will be things in life that will scare me. But with his grace I'm sure ill be okay. After all, he did bring me back to church.

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// ✝ HUIXINNN.C.NICOLE ☮ //

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live fearlessly ❤

// ✝ HUIXINNN.C.NICOLE ☮ //

He provides and he knows us through and through.

Road to recovery: Phase 1

Letting Go

who am i

suffocation

Christ is enough

His love brought me back to church .

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