live fearlessly ❤

Went for the west district youth rally at catholic junior college today. And I was kinda enlightened. It was a good pleasant experience though some parts were really boring. Honestly speaking when his grace archbishop William Goh was talking, I was just like.. ZONKED OUT. Cause I really couldn't focus cause I was hungry. But nonetheless, some of his speech was unknowingly stuck onto me. Unknowingly reached to my mind and soul and heart as he spoke the words.

Believe me, I didn't get half of what he said. Besides the funny stuff, that was really funny and it is stuck with me too. But the main point is! What I took away about love. It just related to me so much so I had to get it off my chest. Yes, it's one of those rare moments I'm motivated to blog a cause I'm inspired. Most f the times, I'm lazy and tired.

I think many of times, we justify ourselves though people's recognition. As human beings we crave for love and attention and we just want to have it . Because like you , I am only human. I've in many relationships because I seek the love that I lacked in my heart. My family was dysfunctional and I didn't feel like I'm at home. Too often than not, I feel like I don't belong and I'm Not loved. Sometimes, we are too caught up with everything around us that we FORGET to love because it just the fact we take it for granted that family will always be there. Too often than not, something is is more important thank loving your family and I cannot deny, i resented my family for this lack of love. And hence I searched for this " love " somewhere else. Through trail and error and many failures. I cannot deny I can't find what I want because at some point, things change and I realized he isn't what I want. And it ends. The " love " we shared was not strong enough to endure. Because maybe perhaps it wasn't true in the first place. I admit, I care a lot for some people I used to date, I still do. But after being at the rally today and pondering about what archbishop said .. I question myself if it was really love.

In 1 Corinthians 13, line 4 to 8 says, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

This explains what his grace has said tonight at the rally. True love is when you love someone more than you love yourself, and the bible phrase in 1 Corinthians 13 , 4-8 explains how you love one more than yourself perfectly. To forgive when that person sins against you, to not be angered, to always trust to always persevere . That's true love. More often than not, we find ourselves looking for that something to fill the emptiness in our hearts, to just make us justified to be in this world, to make us feel accepted and loved. To want and need that acceptance and love. But we truly forget to simply look into our hearts and ask yourself, is what we are blinding searching for what we really want ?

I was blinded for so many years searching aimlessly for that something to fill up the emptiness and turmoil in my heart. But I never was able to feel more at peace and loved than I am with god's presence. No amount of achievements can make me feel more accepted than when I sit in church on a normal day just in his presence because i know without doubt that he is there for me and he loves me for EXACTLY who I am. I've sinned , I am only human stitched together by flaws and sins. But he, The Lord, he accepted me. He loves me and all my its and bits of sinfulness and mistakes and imperfections because he told me that I'm his daughter and he will always love me. So when I'm down and when I'm upset and I just refuse to be strong and hold in all my tears ? I run to my father because he loves me more than anyone in this world.

I know he sends people who loves me to me. I keep theses people dear to my heart and trust them with all I have and love them with all my heart because he taught me how to by loving me. But as I keep these people he sends me close to my heart, i keep God closer to my heart. You see, I'm not a super spiritual person. At least I don't think I am. I start of my day with the simplest thank you because I'm awake. Throughout the day I have small conversations with him because I feel like it , but naturally I don't always do it . I make it a point to always go to church before making big decisions, when I'm moody and when someone is important enough for me to go down to church and cry for and pray for (I'm so mean I know. Why only important people right ). But you see, after my rite of acceptance , I find myself getting harder and harder to get angry at someone. And that's when I know in starting to love people more and more. Not saying I don't get angry cause really i do. Some people are just so stupid you want to smack them in the face. But I don't. The fact that I can't get angry and if I do it'll be a super short period of time, is the justification that I'm loved by god and because his love is So strong, he Influences me !

Honestly I don't know how to love with all my heart . I can't do it because I find something holding me back like I'm scared of something. Perhaps when you open up your hearts to too many people , the easier it is to get hurt. But this pain, is healing. Each time someone hurts you and you forgive then genuinely, you are loving. I know how hard it is to love because I struggle with it all the time, I struggle with loving people I don't really like but I still try. I'm imperfect like everyone else, but I'm trying to love people more than I love myself because god loves me.

When we love we trust, and trust and love are encounters we meet and when we meet with it, we are justified.

I know I may not be the holiest of all people, but I do feel like I should share this with people. Because love , is some thing we all need. This world needs more of it too. Because the emptiness we seek to fill up, is god's love. His love is so great it will fill up all the hollowness of your heart. Because when you encounter him, you know it's enough. His love is enough. It's a constant Struggle to tell myself that but i try anyway . Because I know that I want him in my life. Because I know his love , Is enough for me.

Amen.

God bless,

Chong hui Xin, Nicole (;

16/11/13

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Had session today. And it's one of those moments when you just get inspired I guess ? It's just special and unique to me . His love for us was there before the beginning of time and all. The story of salvation and the history of salvation was a beautiful and unique story to me. Concluded session marveling at how deep god's love is for us. How much he loves us all.

Going for the youth conference, there was a video shown. That showed how god taught us so many things in life and yet time after time, we fall into temptation and strayed away from him. Was almost in tears watching that video because it reminded me so much of me. I was moved by the story because once upon a time , I fought his love too. I denied him and didn't want him in my life .

Even going for the conference without the presence with all the people I was comfortable with was a scary thing for me. Yet god sent me an angel to make me feel safe (: I met Timothy at the conference and I was so glad to have someone that I was confortable with there . Shared with Tim how I felt on the way back to church on the bus . Being a convert is a whole different journey for me. Trying to embrace god in a way you never tried to. It's just scary and different from everyone else's journey. Your journey is uniquely yours and no one can go on that journey for you.

So much has changed since I've been back to church. I started to love so much more . His love shines through mine and I love him in ways that I cannot imagine. His love for me was so strings it brought me back to church. He taught me how to love better. Love those around me even if they treated you Unjustly . Love those who offended you and so much more. More importantly , he taught me how to love myself more. Like how he loves me, he taught me to love myself with all my heart.

I've always thought that those years away from church, he was never there for me, he didn't care . But looking back now, I marvel at the every fact that he has always been there for me. He never failed to love me and be there for me. He was there through it all, though all the times I've cried and through all the times I've smiled . And his love eventually brought me home to his embrace and arms .

Going on this journey is certainly a fear I'll always have . I struggle all the time to push this feeling away. Because I refuse to let fear overcome me and stop me from knowing god. Because I WANT to be closer to god . BecAuse I'm still seeking for him and his mission for me. There so much more I want to do with his love. Because he salvaged me from self destruction. Because his love, changed me.

So many people have told me I've changed . Have I ? I keep asking myself . Yes perhaps I have. I stopped trying to please the world. I stop trying to be everyone else but myself . Because I finally see that that is enough . God loves me still, people who accepted me loves me still. That is enough. His love is all that I crave for and need. His love brings me up. And never let's me fall. He is my father, my best friend, my savior. My god.

He taught me before pleasing anyone else, it's most important to please him and yourself . You see I haven't changed . I'm still me. Forever and ever . I'll always be Nicole Seraphina-Joan Chong huixin (: no one can take that away from me. Because god gave me my life and I will love it and live it to its fullest.

Sure there will be things in life that will scare me. But with his grace I'm sure ill be okay. After all, he did bring me back to church.

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Here's to the boy that is always there for me when I cried . Here's to the idiot that I always claim to hate , but always run to in the end . The endless poke wars in sec2. The retarded stupid talks we had after PTM when I was ALWAYS whinny about my heels for duty. The texts that you always bothered sending me to tell me to cheer up when I was so darn emo. Always timing me for sports day telling me to run faster, supported me through all my decisions . Never judged me once, and offered his friendship, companionship and love unconditionally. Guided me back to church, pulled me up time after time when I felt. Held me close when I was scared, cried with me when I couldn't take it anymore . Stayed up late with me for all the stupidest talks anyone can ever imagine . Making me cry over the phone because he was flying off to Sabah. RENDER MY 5INCH HEELS USELESS. Cause I will always be shorter then him. Going fitness crazy with me when I wanted to train hard . Went on a NO fast food and coke diet on me cause I was crazy. Pampered me like mad while I was sick and even when I'm not. Tolerated my PMS days forever . And just was there for me always. Became so dependent on you , and yet, you just took my burden willingly. Even when we fell apart. You were still smiling. THANKYOU. For everything. You'll always be family in my heart ❤ nothing will change that. Here's to our day. 5 years of bestfriendship ❤ I love you idiot . Although you are miles away from me now on our day. Although I asked you to go for the cruise , I still hate you. Here's to you and all the retarded things I do with you. Being comfortable around you. I never need to try. I just simply just breathed around you (: here's to us and our world . It will always be, Koala and penguin against the world (; thanks for being there always (: and for simply everything (: though I always say I hate you cause you don't have time for me . But you know I don't mean it (: all the best for Your olevels bitch ! You better get into FMS this time ! I still can't believe it's been 5 years.. Wow bestie . Wow.

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" inspire, not enforce"

These were the words our course manager and a lot of the instructors share with us during CIBTC. met up with the officers last night after training with ben kwa and chun han. went to udders and being a ROAD IDIOT. have no idea how to get there and eugene's instructions weren't exactly very useful uh! i was obviously going in the right direction and ended up getting scolded for not jaywalking. LOL. i have awesome officers. HAHA. Edwin was there too! havent seen in a long long while man! he's the TO for zhenghua sec now. It's like all the officers that was around when i was still a cadet was all gone and suddenly, i am an officer now too. its kinda scary and yet funny at the same time. Especially in the case of eugene. From my senior to my CI now to being the same rank as him. It's honestly a progression ahead in time ehh? haha. Ee joo and Ester was there too. I SWEAR ESTER AND EDWIN LOOK DAMN CUTE TOGETHER. no joke. when i saw them i was like. AWWWW :D hahahha! Joo and Gene isn't bad too! 3 years alr. now i look back and i feel like freaking old catching up with them. Since chun han and ben was there, Edwin was sharing his nicknames to the trio in my squad last time! and yes, my alien was there! haha! she apparently grew smarter! i told chun han how retarded my alien can be and he just laughed like mad. haha. its really damn funny how this alien can be so retarded. catching up on the past makes me think back and miss all the crap the Squad did together and my life as a cadet.

My journey in NPCC continues and as i embark on this journey of being a CI, it actually scares me a little. Looking at my juniors now, makes me disappointed in the unit honestly. The standard of my cadets now is honestly just jialat uh? even eugene agrees. he was like, can you go back to the unit and do something about the standard of our cadets? I just feel that there is so much to be done and there is just not enough people around to do it and also cause somethings are just so restricting. Eugene was like, ehh! go back and take after me. As much as i hate to do it. i feel that right now, the unit needs someone to actually be fierce to them. I dont know if i can really do it. go back and be the black sheep. its like i want to do so much with the unit, but i feel powerless and not able to do much cause of restrictions and all. it isnt easy this journey to CI-ship. but here i am standing here as a graduate from the 84th CIBTC june 2013 but i still feel i just dont have the capability to lead the unit to greater heights. being in course and officially being a CI is so different. ready or not, you are exposed to everything in cold harsh reality and all you can do is deal with it. i keep questioning myself i can honestly do it. but i told eugene that i am willing to give it a shot. im willing to try. i know its not going to be easy but i guess what matter is that you try right? As much as it all scares me, i promised to try and hence i will. coping with everything seems so much harder now. i dont know if i really can cope, but you just gotta keep trying right?

" motivated and inspired to teach. but sometimes more factors restrict that very passion inside of you "

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I’ve pretty much been missing in action for a while now. So a lot of people have been asking, what on earth have I been doing these few weeks during the holiday? And I would just say that I’m in course (: but rather now I would say, I was on a journey (: so what kind of journey am I on you may ask. So I guess this is a life-changing journey for me.

I think I pretty much had given up the thought of attending CIBTC cause I didn’t get a reply from mr soh and I was pretty disappointed. After all this was a dream that I dreamt off since I was in sec1. I was so determined to get into CIBTC and pass on the spirit that my officers had pass on to me since I was in sec1. Of course there were times when your passion just toned down and you just don’t feel like doing much in the corp. I guess for me, as much as it did toned down and I honestly didn’t feel like I belonged to the corp for a while, somehow or rather, I always managed to find that burning passion back. A photo or maybe a trace of myself in my juniors now. It always brings me back to the phrase jared once told us. “ you join NPCC for a reason and that is to change someone’s life. Being it your own or your cadets next time “ I think this phrase has been stuck with me for a while now I feel the motivation to want to work towards it.

NPCC has made me the way I am. I met amazing friends, learned some of the things I never thought I would and it has developed me to be who I am today. It was not an easy journey for me as a cadet, having had to deal with my mum and her objection with NP, my health issues and coping with schoolwork. But nonetheless, I always found comfort from NPCC. Sure it wasn’t easy and sure I didn’t get all the recognition I dreamt of in the unit, but regardless, my biggest achievement is still present up till today. The mindset that I have instilled in my juniors lives on in the unit and I can see it. The huixin spirit they call it. Seeing their respect is all I ever dream of. After all, this journey to CIBTC did start from wanting to change my cadets In future.

Like I have mentioned, I given up the thought of attending CIBTC and before that decision was made I was honestly in very bad dilemma. I was caught between two things I really love in my life. Track or NPCC I kept asking myself. I felt at that point of time, if I wanted to excel in either one, I could only choose one. I couldn’t make up my mind and honestly it bothered me a lot. And I just felt lost and just didn’t know what to do. And then I just decided to go to church. I don’t think I have ever cried so much ever in church, but it was my sanctuary, the home of my heart with the lord. It was there did I let go of my emotions and honestly I asked for an answer, but unlike any other time, I couldn’t understand what god wanted me to do. I just went home after mass and cried even more. It was a difficult decision. But seeing that my OC hasn’t sent me the form for CIBTC, I just told myself, it was not meant to be and I kind of given up on the thought of ever becoming a CI. And then the next morning, ONE day before the deadline of the submission date for the form, guess who texted? And I was literally cursing and swearing, I took so long to make up my mind and then fate and life and god decided to pull a joke on me.

I took like one whole day before sending in the email back to Mr Soh. But yes, I did submit it in the end. That NPCC love inside of me will never die out. I knew. Well, and not long after I was on my way to CIBTC (: the journey started out as a frightful and scary one for me, I was alone in the course, didn’t have any squad mates with me to push me on. I went for the course alone, holding only my ambitions and dreams. I told myself I’m gonna be strong and I am going to finish strong. With that, I went for the very first CIBTC activity, UC.

Honestly, I was traumatized from UC. There was this other guy that got scolded like mad by Fujie sir. Scary like hell. And honestly, was praying he wont be my squad instructor. Hahah! But! That was all before the course started (: he ended up being my ATC group instructor and honestly is a very good mentor(: and so after UC came the MCs, honestly, not really that bad bahh? Met my squad for the first time ((: SQUAD BRAVO ❤ I remember the very first people I met that was part of J’13 was the girls in the toilet! Lay lah and athifah I think? Hahah! Was so glad to see familiar faces honestly! Then RACHEL came and I am like squeals! Haven’t seen her since NPAP’11. Hahaha, I warmed up a little after that. But still was anxious to meet the rest of the squad honestly :/ but after meeting them I guess I was okay with them? hahah, I think we only started being super comfortable with one another after a few MCs together bah? Honestly I don’t know what will I do without bravo. They saw me through tough times, guided me on my journey and offered me a helping hand when I needed, had faith in me and loved me for who I was. They were my home away from my own family. I found home through them and I am honestly thankful having had the chance to meet them. Each and every one of them made the utmost impact in this journey for me.

The journey went on and soon it was RC. It kind of scared me at first because it was 6 days straight in HTA. Away from home and literally civilization. I had to let go of all my projects and all just to go for this RC. I was really so scared of it. And also I had to handle my projects and all too while I was in course. The mental stress I had was pretty bad. But I knew everyone else in bravo had their commitments they let go too. Well, I guess it all boils down to personal sacrifice? Haha. I was sharing the bunk with ATC groups 1 to 3. I had, Felicia, athifah, nadiah, zhi yu and not forgetting Sharon in the bunk. And honestly, they are awesome. Having small girl talk with Sharon about random stuff, waking up at 4 to polish boots on the day of UIA, laughing at the stupidest things ever, being messy as hell, eating biscuits and milo cause we are always hungry. These are the precious memories that I honestly will always remember. Seeing each other’s cui face in the morning kinda rocks too! Haha.

I think RC was really the time that bravo bonded! Although we saw shao wen OOCed cause he was sick, but nonetheless, we all still bonded. I think we really are the sickest squad ever. We were all coughing and sneezing by the end of RC man. BURDEN bravo as our squad instructors calls us. Haha. Even though we are the most sickly squad, or strength is still the strongest among the three squads from the batch. See how strong bravo is? Haha! The jokes we made during lunch, all the fun times we have while having lessons, emotional debrief, and founding our FI low and all kinds of stupid shit, bravo molded to be a family. Haha. RC was over in a blink of an eye and soon we found ourselves at the junction where we have completed a big part of the course. The 6 days that we felt was super long was over just like that and we were all happy to go home honestly. But I guess I didn’t expect time to pass so quickly!

Since RC ended, we have finished our learning phase and soon, we were on our way to ATC, our performing stage. Well, bravo was split up into different groups and we had 5 different groups. I was in group 1, ARCTURUS ❤ the group is in charge of admin and pioneering and cause I didn’t attend discussion 1 for ATC, I felt kinda awkward and like just felt super alienated from them. I don’t really know the people well expect the people in bravo in my group. But me being me, I kinda warmed up to them pretty quickly! And soon, arcuturus was as crazy as ever. Our group instructors demanded so much from us, but arcturus never failed to complete the task given. ATC in ubin was like nostalgic for me. I miss ubin. The place holds so many memories for me. But then again now, it hold my slippers too -.- yes, dumbo me forgot to bring my slippers home. RETARDED RIGHT. Don’t need you to tell me. I know I am. But I guess I still had fun in ATC, though I was constantly being sent to the first aid post thanks to the haze. I was already coughing better badly after RC and not having enough rest and all since RC and ATC was only 1 and a half-day apart, my body eventually took a toll. First time in NPCC history, I have EVER been sick during ATC! The constant puking from coughing too much is NOT FUN. Well, thanks to the haze, my condition got worse. And burden bravo syndrome continued in ATC as well. I think half of the people who reported sick were from bravo. Day one, kai gri , me and chun han had to stay the night and Jeannette ma’am was telling us if we hit more than 10 people from bravo in the sickbay, she Is going to slap us all. Haha. In RC was bad enough already, the squad had enough medication to open a pharmacy! Haha! The haze got super bad while we were in ubin and they had to suspend all the outdoor activity): technically you would ecpected to be scolded when you walked in the campsite. For this camp? We were scolded for running! Cause its not good for out health. It was pretty funny! But the haze is really not fun. We couldn’t have our campfire and we didn’t even sleep in tents the whole camp. We were all in the bunks and on the last night, in the air-con rooms at integrity! That why we were saying that we were the most pampered batch ever. Haha. Soon, ATC came to an end and suddenly we all realized that CIBTC is coming to an end. I cried during camp closing after fujie sir and wei en sir recognized my efforts made in course. I was glad and yet upset that the course was coming to an end. It was bittersweet.

Then IC day came and I think we all were super excited. I was dead tired cause I stayed up till 4 am in the morning to do my squad’s gift. Yes, I love bravo so much. Was too tired to finish up arcturus’s gifts. So hence I think I will pass them another day! We had rehearsals and a lot of free time to prepare our uniform for IC itself. During squad time, we sung the song that we prepared for our squad instructors, Rachael and Jeannette! ❤

They are the best instructors you can ever ask for (: although they didn’t cry, I hope we touched their heart (: when we finally were all ready for IC, the moment we all put on the No.1 uniform, we instantly changed. We all looked so good. And I look around and can’t help but feel proud for being part in bravo. Though we all couldn’t bear apart with one another we had to. And we just took a lot of photos. Although I did not managed to attain the award that I hope to aim for, I am glad I had my squad mates and group mates and not forgetting the recognition from my instructors that I felt meant so much to me. I was upset but I was also contented to have such amazing people in my life that I really love a lot. We sung a song as a batch for all our instructors! We sung it’s the climb by miley cirus. Though it is really nothing much, but we all felt that it’s the least we could do for the people who nurtured us to be who we are. I was a happy person that night. My mum who kept claiming that she did not want to attend my ceremony was there with my sis. When I walked out, I was scanning the crowd to spot my mum and I wished that she would be there. When I finally saw her, I almost cried right then. When she donned my rank for me, I could see the pride in her eyes and I was so so happy. She was finally attending a HQ event I went for and she was proud of me. She may tell me why I bother going for the course, but she was like smiling and I could see her pride. That is how my mum will always be.

I look back and think about every single detail of the course and I realized how much I have grown. And right now, while typing this, tears are falling down my face because I’ve done it. Against all odds, I braved through challenges after challenges to make it. To fufill the dream I dreamt since sec1. I may be the best from the batch, but I will always try to be a good CI in future. Like what rach said, you don’t need to be the baton awardee to be a good CI. This concludes my new chapter in life. My new journey ahead of me to do what I can for the corp. I could never have done it without the support of so many people. And I am thankful for every single person I met throughout the course. THANK YOU. For having faith in me, encouraging me, guiding me along, teaching me, and most importantly being there for me. J’13 you all are the most amazing people I will ever meet in NPCC. ❤

Me in No.1 uniform. First time ever (:

Fujie sir and Weien sir, the group instructors that have taught me so much during the course and recognised my efforts (:

yanjun! the coconut that encouraged me all these while through the course, helping me and guiding me! not forgetting, lending me his shirts for ATC. haha!

rachael! the d'12 baton awardee and my squad instructor! thanks for always being patient with us and always taught us the best too.

jeannette! the other squad instructor that was always patient and caring towards us. even when we are so burden! haha(:

chun han~ the bestie from the course. from a coconut that was trying so hard to get OOCed during course, to a person that got recognised by the instructors. haha, the complete polar opposite from me at the start of the course, i was enthu and he just hated NPCC. yet we hit off so well ! hahah, thanks for always having faith in me (:

the family. honestly, i dont think i would have survived without them. mummy always rushing to ensured my clothes dried on time and all, encouraging me in her very own methods. though she didnt show it, she was always there for me, rooting for me. though jayne didnt miss me during my RC -.- . but hearing her squeals and laughter at home always made me smile . well jiejie? whats there to say, she always supports me (;

the buddy during RC and ATC, SHARON(: this pretty girl is always there when i needed someone to talk to. her man voice while giving commands and timing is just damn cute! all the inside jokes and girl talk with all is always fun :D

ARCTURUS. this is the best ATC group ever that i can ask for (: thank you each and everyone of you that was always there for me during ATC, taking care of me when i wasnt feeling well. we have all came so far now (:

yanjun and desmond sir, one my bestie, the other one of my inspiration. (:

polaroids of the night ^^

this is the moment i will always remember for life. my mum being proud of me. she was nagging saying why i wanna come for this course, yet she smiled through her words. seeing her pride in her eyes. makes everything so worth it.

and with this, i graduated from the 84th cadet inspector basic training course.

the Area 18 CIs from bravo (: the people whom i will be working closely with for a long time to come((:

The beloved and cherished BRAVO. you guys are the best squad i could ever have asked for and i cannot imagine the course without you guys. you all have made me fallen heads over heels with you all and your crap. and each and everyday, i love you all more (: thank you for always being there for me and completing the course with me. you guys will always be dear to my heart. (:

i don't have a photo us at my POC cause i could only invite two people. but thank you (: for always being there for me when i felt so stressed up. encouraging me and always just talking nonsense with me. you always had the utmost faith in me and it means a lot to me. thank you for being my bestfriend when i needed someone. i know things are just messed up between us, but thank you still.

and to everyone else who have encouraged me and all. thank you ^^

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Sometimes in life, we sink and we just don’t want to get up. I think I hve been avoiding that dark cloud for too long. I kept pushing it back ,thinking I could have handled it well enough. I just didn’t want anyone to worry about me. I just didn’t want anyone to be pressurized to stay beside me all the time. I mean seriously, how many times do I have to prove that I am just a burden to everyone?

I no longer have the will to fight back all the dark clouds and stormy weather in my life. I just want to let things take it course. And right now, even when Im sinking deeper and deeper into it all? I don’t want to struggle. I don’t want to fight. I just want to let it engulf me. I really just lack the strength and will to go and fight it. Its not like I didn’t try. It still came back.

Its like the demons of my own personal hell is back to haunt me and all I can do is stay rooted and stare. Demons I don’t want to confront, demons I dread. Yet they are back and sadly stronger then ever. Im not denying it. Im not trying to push it off and shrug it off as a bad moody month or anything. I know I am. I knew it before anyone else told me. I can feel it. The darkness inching back bit by bit. The problem lies with I don’t want to fight it. I want this to happen to some extend. I just no longer want to feel a thing. I want to be numb and immune to all things and I just want to lock myself in that very little bubble of my own because things are so much easier.

I don’t seek anyone’s attention honestly, I don’t seek for help, I don’t even seek for anyone to understand. Rather, I seek people who would just let me stay in this state for a little while. It took me a good 1 year to get out of it previously. This time frame seems good enough for me. I just really want to take a break from the world. I want to not be able to care about anything . I want to not feel anymore emotions because they are so taxing.

“ No matter what we bred, we are still made of greed. This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come. “ this is a phrase that was written in the song demons by imagine dragons. I guess this is just true to a certain extend. I want things in life that I cant have and I honestly think it’s wrong. But im also contented with what I have . staying status quo, I am happy with what I have right now. I am just mentally exhausted and emotionally drained. I feel more broken then I ever had and the worse of all this time round, I cant cry. I try to. I just want to cry and let it all out. But I can’t seem to let go. Its like a mental lock in my brain telling me not to cry and prohibiting me from crying. The feeling inside sucks. Everything is trapped inside and I cant let it out.

I don’t want to tell anyone. I don’t want to add on to their burden and I honestly just want to be alone at times. But as things get worse, having someone around isn’t that bad of a choice either but right now, I guess solitude is the way to go. Life sucks, but holding on to unnecessary stuff sucks even more. Im going to try to be happier even if it if for the rest of the people around me. I can’t control how I feel inside. But on the outside, you’ll only see happy me.

“ life sucks, but you have memories to keep you going even when its so hard to. “

CONVERSATION