live fearlessly ❤

I’ve pretty much been missing in action for a while now. So a lot of people have been asking, what on earth have I been doing these few weeks during the holiday? And I would just say that I’m in course (: but rather now I would say, I was on a journey (: so what kind of journey am I on you may ask. So I guess this is a life-changing journey for me.

I think I pretty much had given up the thought of attending CIBTC cause I didn’t get a reply from mr soh and I was pretty disappointed. After all this was a dream that I dreamt off since I was in sec1. I was so determined to get into CIBTC and pass on the spirit that my officers had pass on to me since I was in sec1. Of course there were times when your passion just toned down and you just don’t feel like doing much in the corp. I guess for me, as much as it did toned down and I honestly didn’t feel like I belonged to the corp for a while, somehow or rather, I always managed to find that burning passion back. A photo or maybe a trace of myself in my juniors now. It always brings me back to the phrase jared once told us. “ you join NPCC for a reason and that is to change someone’s life. Being it your own or your cadets next time “ I think this phrase has been stuck with me for a while now I feel the motivation to want to work towards it.

NPCC has made me the way I am. I met amazing friends, learned some of the things I never thought I would and it has developed me to be who I am today. It was not an easy journey for me as a cadet, having had to deal with my mum and her objection with NP, my health issues and coping with schoolwork. But nonetheless, I always found comfort from NPCC. Sure it wasn’t easy and sure I didn’t get all the recognition I dreamt of in the unit, but regardless, my biggest achievement is still present up till today. The mindset that I have instilled in my juniors lives on in the unit and I can see it. The huixin spirit they call it. Seeing their respect is all I ever dream of. After all, this journey to CIBTC did start from wanting to change my cadets In future.

Like I have mentioned, I given up the thought of attending CIBTC and before that decision was made I was honestly in very bad dilemma. I was caught between two things I really love in my life. Track or NPCC I kept asking myself. I felt at that point of time, if I wanted to excel in either one, I could only choose one. I couldn’t make up my mind and honestly it bothered me a lot. And I just felt lost and just didn’t know what to do. And then I just decided to go to church. I don’t think I have ever cried so much ever in church, but it was my sanctuary, the home of my heart with the lord. It was there did I let go of my emotions and honestly I asked for an answer, but unlike any other time, I couldn’t understand what god wanted me to do. I just went home after mass and cried even more. It was a difficult decision. But seeing that my OC hasn’t sent me the form for CIBTC, I just told myself, it was not meant to be and I kind of given up on the thought of ever becoming a CI. And then the next morning, ONE day before the deadline of the submission date for the form, guess who texted? And I was literally cursing and swearing, I took so long to make up my mind and then fate and life and god decided to pull a joke on me.

I took like one whole day before sending in the email back to Mr Soh. But yes, I did submit it in the end. That NPCC love inside of me will never die out. I knew. Well, and not long after I was on my way to CIBTC (: the journey started out as a frightful and scary one for me, I was alone in the course, didn’t have any squad mates with me to push me on. I went for the course alone, holding only my ambitions and dreams. I told myself I’m gonna be strong and I am going to finish strong. With that, I went for the very first CIBTC activity, UC.

Honestly, I was traumatized from UC. There was this other guy that got scolded like mad by Fujie sir. Scary like hell. And honestly, was praying he wont be my squad instructor. Hahah! But! That was all before the course started (: he ended up being my ATC group instructor and honestly is a very good mentor(: and so after UC came the MCs, honestly, not really that bad bahh? Met my squad for the first time ((: SQUAD BRAVO ❤ I remember the very first people I met that was part of J’13 was the girls in the toilet! Lay lah and athifah I think? Hahah! Was so glad to see familiar faces honestly! Then RACHEL came and I am like squeals! Haven’t seen her since NPAP’11. Hahaha, I warmed up a little after that. But still was anxious to meet the rest of the squad honestly :/ but after meeting them I guess I was okay with them? hahah, I think we only started being super comfortable with one another after a few MCs together bah? Honestly I don’t know what will I do without bravo. They saw me through tough times, guided me on my journey and offered me a helping hand when I needed, had faith in me and loved me for who I was. They were my home away from my own family. I found home through them and I am honestly thankful having had the chance to meet them. Each and every one of them made the utmost impact in this journey for me.

The journey went on and soon it was RC. It kind of scared me at first because it was 6 days straight in HTA. Away from home and literally civilization. I had to let go of all my projects and all just to go for this RC. I was really so scared of it. And also I had to handle my projects and all too while I was in course. The mental stress I had was pretty bad. But I knew everyone else in bravo had their commitments they let go too. Well, I guess it all boils down to personal sacrifice? Haha. I was sharing the bunk with ATC groups 1 to 3. I had, Felicia, athifah, nadiah, zhi yu and not forgetting Sharon in the bunk. And honestly, they are awesome. Having small girl talk with Sharon about random stuff, waking up at 4 to polish boots on the day of UIA, laughing at the stupidest things ever, being messy as hell, eating biscuits and milo cause we are always hungry. These are the precious memories that I honestly will always remember. Seeing each other’s cui face in the morning kinda rocks too! Haha.

I think RC was really the time that bravo bonded! Although we saw shao wen OOCed cause he was sick, but nonetheless, we all still bonded. I think we really are the sickest squad ever. We were all coughing and sneezing by the end of RC man. BURDEN bravo as our squad instructors calls us. Haha. Even though we are the most sickly squad, or strength is still the strongest among the three squads from the batch. See how strong bravo is? Haha! The jokes we made during lunch, all the fun times we have while having lessons, emotional debrief, and founding our FI low and all kinds of stupid shit, bravo molded to be a family. Haha. RC was over in a blink of an eye and soon we found ourselves at the junction where we have completed a big part of the course. The 6 days that we felt was super long was over just like that and we were all happy to go home honestly. But I guess I didn’t expect time to pass so quickly!

Since RC ended, we have finished our learning phase and soon, we were on our way to ATC, our performing stage. Well, bravo was split up into different groups and we had 5 different groups. I was in group 1, ARCTURUS ❤ the group is in charge of admin and pioneering and cause I didn’t attend discussion 1 for ATC, I felt kinda awkward and like just felt super alienated from them. I don’t really know the people well expect the people in bravo in my group. But me being me, I kinda warmed up to them pretty quickly! And soon, arcuturus was as crazy as ever. Our group instructors demanded so much from us, but arcturus never failed to complete the task given. ATC in ubin was like nostalgic for me. I miss ubin. The place holds so many memories for me. But then again now, it hold my slippers too -.- yes, dumbo me forgot to bring my slippers home. RETARDED RIGHT. Don’t need you to tell me. I know I am. But I guess I still had fun in ATC, though I was constantly being sent to the first aid post thanks to the haze. I was already coughing better badly after RC and not having enough rest and all since RC and ATC was only 1 and a half-day apart, my body eventually took a toll. First time in NPCC history, I have EVER been sick during ATC! The constant puking from coughing too much is NOT FUN.  Well, thanks to the haze, my condition got worse. And burden bravo syndrome continued in ATC as well. I think half of the people who reported sick were from bravo. Day one, kai gri , me and chun han had to stay the night and Jeannette ma’am was telling us if we hit more than 10 people from bravo in the sickbay, she Is going to slap us all. Haha. In RC was bad enough already, the squad had enough medication to open a pharmacy! Haha! The haze got super bad while we were in ubin and they had to suspend all the outdoor activity): technically you would ecpected to be scolded when you walked in the campsite. For this camp? We were scolded for running! Cause its not good for out health. It was pretty funny! But the haze is really not fun.  We couldn’t have our campfire and we didn’t even sleep in tents the whole camp. We were all in the bunks and on the last night, in the air-con rooms at integrity! That why we were saying that we were the most pampered batch ever. Haha. Soon, ATC came to an end and suddenly we all realized that CIBTC is coming to an end. I cried during camp closing after fujie sir and wei en sir recognized my efforts made in course. I was glad and yet upset that the course was coming to an end. It was bittersweet.

Then IC day came and I think we all were super excited. I was dead tired cause I stayed up till 4 am in the morning to do my squad’s gift. Yes, I love bravo so much. Was too tired to finish up arcturus’s gifts. So hence I think I will pass them another day! We had rehearsals and a lot of free time to prepare our uniform for IC itself. During squad time, we sung the song that we prepared for our squad instructors, Rachael and Jeannette! ❤

They are the best instructors you can ever ask for (: although they didn’t cry, I hope we touched their heart (: when we finally were all ready for IC, the moment we all put on the No.1 uniform, we instantly changed. We all looked so good. And I look around and can’t help but feel proud for being part in bravo. Though we all couldn’t bear apart with one another we had to. And we just took a lot of photos. Although I did not managed to attain the award that I hope to aim for, I am glad I had my squad mates and group mates and not forgetting the recognition from my instructors that I felt meant so much to me. I was upset but I was also contented to have such amazing people in my life that I really love a lot. We sung a song as a batch for all our instructors! We sung it’s the climb by miley cirus. Though it is really nothing much, but we all felt that it’s the least we could do for the people who nurtured us to be who we are. I was a happy person that night. My mum who kept claiming that she did not want to attend my ceremony was there with my sis. When I walked out, I was scanning the crowd to spot my mum and I wished that she would be there. When I finally saw her, I almost cried right then. When she donned my rank for me, I could see the pride in her eyes and I was so so happy. She was finally attending a HQ event I went for and she was proud of me. She may tell me why I bother going for the course, but she was like smiling and I could see her pride. That is how my mum will always be.

I look back and think about every single detail of the course and I realized how much I have grown. And right now, while typing this, tears are falling down my face because I’ve done it. Against all odds, I braved through challenges after challenges to make it. To fufill the dream I dreamt since sec1. I may be the best from the batch, but I will always try to be a good CI in future. Like what rach said, you don’t need to be the baton awardee to be a good CI. This concludes my new chapter in life. My new journey ahead of me to do what I can for the corp. I could never have done it without the support of so many people. And I am thankful for every single person I met throughout the course. THANK YOU. For having faith in me, encouraging me, guiding me along, teaching me, and most importantly being there for me. J’13 you all are the most amazing people I will ever meet in NPCC. ❤ 

Sometimes in life, we sink and we just don’t want to get up. I think I hve been avoiding that dark cloud for too long. I kept pushing it back ,thinking I could have handled it well enough. I just didn’t want anyone to worry about me. I just didn’t want anyone to be pressurized to stay beside me all the time. I mean seriously, how many times do I have to prove that I am just a burden to everyone?

I no longer have the will to fight back all the dark clouds and stormy weather in my life. I just want to let things take it course. And right now, even when Im sinking deeper and deeper into it all? I don’t want to struggle. I don’t want to fight. I just want to let it engulf me. I really just lack the strength and will to go and fight it. Its not like I didn’t try. It still came back.

Its like the demons of my own personal hell is back to haunt me and all I can do is stay rooted and stare. Demons I don’t want to confront, demons I dread. Yet they are back and sadly stronger then ever. Im not denying it. Im not trying to push it off and shrug it off as a bad moody month or anything. I know I am. I knew it before anyone else told me. I can feel it. The darkness inching back bit by bit. The problem lies with I don’t want to fight it. I want this to happen to some extend. I just no longer want to feel a thing. I want to be numb and immune to all things and I just want to lock myself in that very little bubble of my own because things are so much easier.

I don’t seek anyone’s attention honestly, I don’t seek for help, I don’t even seek for anyone to understand. Rather, I seek people who would just let me stay in this state for a little while. It took me a good 1 year to get out of it previously. This time frame seems good enough for me. I just really want to take a break from the world. I want to not be able to care about anything . I want to not feel anymore emotions because they are so taxing.

“ No matter what we bred, we are still made of greed. This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come. “ this is a phrase that was written in the song demons by imagine dragons. I guess this is just true to a certain extend. I want things in life that I cant have and I honestly think it’s wrong. But im also contented with what I have . staying status quo, I am happy with what I have right now. I am just mentally exhausted and emotionally drained. I feel more broken then I ever had and the worse of all this time round, I cant cry. I try to. I just want to cry and let it all out. But I can’t seem to let go. Its like a mental lock in my brain telling me not to cry and prohibiting me from crying. The feeling inside sucks. Everything is trapped inside and I cant let it out.

I don’t want to tell anyone. I don’t want to add on to their burden and I honestly just want to be alone at times. But as things get worse, having someone around isn’t that bad of a choice either but right now, I guess solitude is the way to go. Life sucks, but holding on to unnecessary stuff sucks even more. Im going to try to be happier even if it if for the rest of the people around me. I can’t control how I feel inside. But on the outside, you’ll only see happy me.

“ life sucks, but you have memories to keep you going even when its so hard to. “

Its like this dark cloud you have constantly fighting back comes back to haunt you and you just don’t want to fight anymore. You simply don’t have the strength to anymore, there are no reasons for it, no explanations to it all. You just feel tired and exhausted and you just don’t want to try anymore. That’s exactly how I feel right now and right here; I am just unmotivated and uninspired to do anything. I just want to fall down and just die. I want to sit aside among the passing clouds and time and just have a break to myself, to have my own space beside all the buzz and things going on in my life.

Although I know there are so much more unfortunate people in life and I am honestly so thankful to life and what god has given me but I just feel so drained out by everything too. I just want to shut myself off the world. Too many things in my life are changing constantly and I really don’t know how to handle it properly right now. People say change is the only constant in life. But really, how does anyone ever handle that kinda constant? I’m the kind of person who feels I have no constant in my life. I have been through enough to learn that, to understand that. And yet here I stand, clueless as ever about how to handle life.

Everyone was telling me how well I would have handled poly life thinking how cheerful and outgoing I am. This is me, I choose to be this way because I hate being isolated from the world like how I was in sec2. But really, handling people is so taxing and hard. Don’t get me wrong, everyone I meet along the way of poly has made such an important part of me getting used to poly life. And honestly, they make things so much better. But have you ever felt so out of place and unwanted ever? I have. I’ve met the awesomest clique in poly, my beloved track mates. They are so amazing. They are always there for me when I need someone. Especially nutty bananas. And of course, the people I met during FBC the awesome SLs that are like my best friends now. The ones who come to me when I’m crying like some Dumbo from an emotional breakdown. And I also met my classmates that make my boring lectures and tutorial so much livelier.

But I just feel so out of place sometimes, feel like I’m unwanted and so many things in my life have just changed, things aren’t as simple as they used to be and things are just so different and I’m trying to adapt but just sometimes, I find that so hard and taxing.

Everything in my life just seems wrong. My injury just refuses to heal properly and cracking it back to place will take me at least another 2 months to recover. So that put doc’s theory that my ankle can heal slightly twisted properly to waste. I have about another 4 more moths to train for competition and I’m still injured. Talk about hating your body seriously. Emotionally wise? Nothing is right either. I don’t know if it’s cause I’m just exhausted with life of what, but I just feel so numb and out of place. I’m like distorted in so many ways possible. Seriously I wonder, what the hell is wrong with me, why can’t I be normal? ): I don’t ask for much, just things to be better. I don’t want to feel like this because I hate being weak and vulnerable. I hate being so out of place even from my own thoughts. I’m literally out of reach with my own mind right now. I don’t know what I want, what I need to do, what I hope for, what I crave for, what I’m thinking even. I’m lost. Lost in my own never-ending black cloud. Exhausted from life and just lost.

If given a choice right now, I just want to lie down and die. or rather, get drunk and die. At the very least, I’ll be intoxicated enough to not feel any more pain. I really don’t even know why I bothered typing so much out about my own feelings. The last time I blogged about my life is close to 2 years ago and yet, today I just felt the urge. Not because I hope anyone reads it. But rather I want to get it off my chest. It’s been weighing me down so much. And I foresee the next few weeks to get worse. I keep telling myself things will get better. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be fine. Even if you have to lie to me. Just hold me and tell me it’s all going to be okay.  Even everyone around me can tell me how broken I look. Charmaine asked even though I didn’t tell her a thing and I was always smiling. Bernard and ben kwa also. They were telling me to stop telling I am okay because they know I’m not. Caly and david? Don’t need to say, they KNOW what is going on. How do I even hide? And Louisa is just.. Well. Idk. I’m lost and unknown about her right now. I mean I love her as a friend a lot. But it really just hurts to know she rather talk about me then to give up being in council. ): But regardless, I still love her and I forgive her for it. It just hurts.. But its okay (: I’ll be okay.

 I guess we all grow up one day and we realize about of things about life that we didn’t know. We face heartbreaks and betrayal and we end up learning from the lessons that those people taught us. “ be thankful of people that enters your life and make it awesome, but also thank those who have left and taught you so many lessons “ I mean honestly, those people who have just made me upset in my life has taught me more then I can ever know if they hadn’t been in my life. Every heartbreak I go through taught me to be stronger and better, to love myself more each and every time. The people who just turned their backs against me just taught me who my real friends are in life and the people who stay are the ones I know I can depend on. Right now at this junction of life, I have met so may different people and I finally understand myself better. And perhaps one day I will look back and think how insignificant what I am feeling right now is to my life but at this moment, I am still lost. Even having had gone through so much in the past 4 years of my life, I still cannot find my way out of this turmoil that life has put me in.

I don’t know if its cause when we get older, our problems become bigger or whatever. But I know, at some point, the demons that hunts us no longer hides under our beds but inside of our souls. Its like this dark area in our minds we refuse to enter because we ourselves aren’t even sure how to handle and fight them. Right now, my demons are winning. And I have no will to fight back. Why is it always that’s letting go is so much easier? Life is so hard.. it will never stop, it keeps moving forward, and i keep getting lost in this piece of never ending torture.