live fearlessly ❤

someone asked me this quesion about 2 days ago i believe on ask.fm,

"Who are you? Names, nationalities, and virtually any other socially-defined attributes do not count. Deep down, who are you? "

and i answered, that i honestly dont think names and nationalities are socially-defined attirbutes, because i think it's hard facts. and the name i have defines who i am also cause it has a meaning behind it unless you told me your parents names you without thought, but i believe each name has a meaning behind it regardless. haha.

deep down? im a broken, exhausted soul that is forced to live in a world where cruelty is rampant, and backstabbing is made the social standard yet i stand hopeful on some days that by the grace of god, one day i might wake up to a nice world. im a broken, exhausted soul forced to watch the world be torn apart by my own kind and weep for the thousands of lives being lost every single minute. im a broken, exhausted soul sitched together by sheer determination to change the world in my own little way. im a broken, exhausted soul sitched together by good intentions and by the love that god has placed in my heart, to love the world more than i can, to love my family more than my own life, to love the people i hold close to my heart even when they turn away from me. i'm a broken, exhausted soul trying my best to be who i want to be in this world, im normal and i dont aim to be extraordinary in everyone's eyes, i just want to be good daughter, a good catholic, a good friend, a good person. i am a broken and exhausted soul, but im thankful for all the broken-ness cause it taught me lessons i never thought i would ever learn.

after typing all that i literally stopped and so much thought was actually running through my head. maybe it was the rain clouding up my thoughts (you see what i did there?) but honestly i asked myself what happened. two year ago i told myself i was gonna be a happy and fufilled soul and always be bright and happy for people around me. what happened, it's like all of a sudden im the dark and twisty one in life and i really hate that part of it. the older i grow, the more it seems like ive came to terms that i cant make everyone happy and in my life and as much as i hate it and i dont like the way it is, i just cant please everyone and even though i used to say that a lot too in the past, the difference is that i feel i really stop trying. i stop trying to please the whole world cause it's like you suddenly realise that you've been giving so much that you just keep giving and giving and one day you feel hallowed. you feel like there's nothing left inside of you and even till then, you just keep giving still. i dont even have a word for how much that feeling sucks and i just wanna die. it is so tiring and i feel like im drained and i dont wanna deal with life anymore.

what exactly is happiness, is it the fact that you please the world? or is it the plain simple fact of making yourself happy ? sometime i dont even understand it and i dont really want to anymore. so who exactly am i? my name is chong hui xin, nicole. im a broken and exhausted soul that is trying to make the best of life and discover who i really am. dont ask me who i am, ask me what i am about become cause no one ie restricted by who they are and there is no greater thing than having faith and believe tha you can be bigger than yourself, there is no definition of who you are and no limits to what you can dream and what you want yourself to be. with grace, each and everyone of us will take our own world by storm.

Like seriously, I think I need to update my blog more. Then again, who reads my blog. (cries a lil inside) So a little about this year, I AM FINALLY IN YEAR 2. That's one year closer to graduation. Sat down the other day and realised, that in a matter of a few months, I'll start writing my resumes and having interviews for my internship (note to self: start compiling my portfolio *sighs*) It actually scares me how fast this year has went past, but nonetheless, it's been an amazing year filled with so much fun. (said no APR year 2 ever.) HAHA. keeds. Before someone gets all started about how ungrateful i am for grumbling about my course cause I'm always whinning and all, dont get me wrong cause, I really LOVE what i do. It's really what i had expected to do and I'm pretty sure this is what i want in life and as a job, but I've just been feeling so suffocated with all the stuff going on in my life and I feel so exhausted and like I would be smothered the moment I stopped trying. Does anyone feel me? ):

Things have been so hectic and it's pretty cool honestly, how I'm meeting people whom could be my potential bosses and going to agencies that I've never seen before and all the mumble jumble of APR golory. But maybe cause I'm doing the PR sem first, there is so much content to cover that seem to overlap one another and so many tests coming one after another. It scares me to think that like 60% of all my grades have been covered before my holiday when I haven't gotten any of my assignments back yet. It's just that insecure feeling that you have that your work isn't good enough and you have no idea how well or how bad you have done and you have to keep doing the same type of assignments anyway.

But hey on the bright side, I managed to score an A+ for my news writing test and that is legitly the ONLY grade I know for my modules up till yesterday, HAHA. today ms zal returned us our critique and I literally just scrapped pass for an A. I'm one step closer to a possible better GPA. I know most of the time, i always say i dont put in effort and i do my work last min and when i say i am worried, i really am and it's not cause im trying to act or anything but i geneuiely worry about my grades cause i really want to get into a local uni to lessen the fam's finicial load. it has never been so important to me): sigh.

So many things have been going on and sometime i question myself why do i bother dong so much and why do i care. it's like so many things affects me and i constantly have a need to cry at night. it's like you can't breathe and if you stop pushing away all the ill feelings you have inside of you, you'll just be engulfed by all that darkness and void. it's like my own personal hell summoned to engulf me and i cant fight it. I miss the people in my life, the things i didnt have to worry about, the stess that seem more managble, the days when life was easier on my mind. the inner workaholic in me isnt helping either. there's so much i want to rant about, to throw into people's faces and stand up for what i believe in sometimes, but all the time, i just shut up and take it in.

it's like since bap, i have lost the ability to confront people about how i feel. speaking of which, I MISS CHURCH. it's like the scariest place for me sometimes now. the place i used to seek comfort seems so distant to me suddenly. i mean i dont think my faith wavered i just feel like i drifted from god cause sometimes it's so hard to feel included in the commuunity and it sucks. i know i shouldnt whine about it and all, but it's just hard and everything else just isn't helping. i rather spend time at home reading devotions than going for mass sometimes, but i drag myself there anyway. sigh. i miss sat sessions, miss si en and ming hon, i miss jeannette's naggings and henry's quiet presence, i miss diane's bubbly self, terrence's cold jokes and gwen's smile. all of a sudden, i feel like im alone, trying to deepen my faith.

there's simply so much going on and i just cant and dont know how to deal with it. i cant wrap my head around it and i dont want to either.i just wanna take one step at a time and just pray that all things will get better, because i believe that it will. it would right? at the very least i have things to look forward to! things i hang onto when the darkness engulfs me. things i cling onto to keep me sane. just keep breathing and moving along right. there isnt time to be weak, we can only stand strong and be strong, cause that's what everyone expects of you.