Road to recovery: Phase 1
To be very honest, i've tried time and time after again to make it a point to pen down my thoughts but i dont ever seem to do it enough so i deceided since i type faster than i write, this seems like a better place for me to voice my thoughts, not for anyone else, but for the sake of getting it out. It's been close to a month since the break up and my road to self recovery and discovery continues.
My road to self recovery apparently involves facing all my fears and facing all the challenges i used to run away from. my road to self recovery apparently involved all the past to be dug up and thrown at me. but what changed, is the fact that im facing every bit and peiece of it. i was grumbling to god this morning and was really upset and i asked him, why on earth are you throwing things in my face time and time after again when im trying to move on and be a better person? why are you throwing things from my past to haunt me and stop me from ever trying to be better. and now as i type this post, it just dawned upon me that i can NEVER move forward and be entirely whole without facing the issues that broke me in the first place. i can never fully move ahead without reservations, without fears until my past has been addressed. i prayed time and time after again for strength and for healing, but i never realised that in order to heal fully, everything in the past needs to be addressed.
The thing about me is that i keep trying to fling everything behind me, but i always keep forgetting that everything that broke me in the past hasnt even been healed and i just keep trying to move forward. sure it's been fine all along and i try as hell as hard not to let it affect me, but today i finally saw that the day i made my decision and asked god for healing, it was the day hell broke loose in my life. he literally dragged EVERYTHING from my past and threw it in my face. it's really not funny and shit, but today i sit down and im honestly quite thankful for it. im honestly thankful for this chance to face my demons and make peace with it.
I've walked aroung my entire life being a broken person who wonders why the hell i've been so broken always. being filled with all my misconceptions of what love is and what i wanted in life was tiring and painful. entering in to relationships i never knew what i wanted, yude joked about how i always attract screwed up people into my life and to be very honest i think it's cause im screwed up lah. what i saw accpetable at that point of time just happens to be screwed up. it's not that the people are bad or anything, they are really nice people who i think i messed up beyond words and to be very honest it's something i will always regret and can never make peace with because those were pefectly good hearts i broke. but while it was harmful to them, i forget that it was harmful for me too. people come ang go and one thing that stays with you forever is yourself, i kept believeing that some day the " right " one will come along and everything will naturally will be healed. but i know now that even with god's love, the only way you piece yourself together is to the decision to try and address your demons.
the past may not matter a lot because it's over and those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter but end of the day, all the hurt and emotions you have felt through everything you have decided to do is still going to hurt and it will all continue to hurt till the day you decide to let it go. and even when you let it go, things may not seem the way it is. for your previous wounds to heal you need to take care of them, face them and make sure that everything is alright before you move on.
7th June, Sunday
I've typed the portion before this paragraph so long back and never published it and somehow today i decided to pick it up again. Funny how things are and how much as changed since the time i typed the previous paragraphs. Good things have happened and there are many more bad. But if we constantly focus on the bad, we'll never enjoy the good right? Well, intern is picking up so thats a great great thing for me, settling in and feeling rather fine about it. But the migraines are getting more and more frequent and that freaks me out a little. Well, how's YuDe you may ask? Life with him is always good, even when i spend an entire weekend doing nothing but being lazy with him, it feels like the best thing ever. Prehaps that's what happens when you find someone you can make plans with for 6 years down the road and somehow doing the most "boring" things can make you feel blissful enough.
People always say, we accept love we think we deserve. The problem about me is prehaps I never say why i deserve any more than what I am because I always saw myself lesser of what I really am. Funny how a person bursting with self-confidence can be so inconfident in reality. Yu De keeps making me see how much more i am than what i value myself for and how much more I should love myself, but it is also so so diffcult to do so. Afterall, you spent you entire life valuing yourself as so much lesser than what you are, it tends to get to you. it's never easy, but i really am trying. somedays i slip back into the little dark hole i have created for myself. but somedays i feel hopeful.
However, I choose to believe I'm in a much better state than I was 2 months ago. Yes, I break and I fall and i stumble hella lot, but at least I'm learning to be more comfortable with myself. I know that the journey to full recovery will take much longer than I imagine but i also need to remind myself and give myself credit for the fact that I have also came relatively far as well.
The road to recovery seems like a time to make peace with myself and all my demons and im proud to say that stepping outta my comfort zone to make peace with myself. It's still a long long journey but i'm confident that someday i'll make it. afterall, i have him to fall back on. <3 i cant imagine walking without him and im so thankful to call YuDe mine. :) till then, things will keep moving forward, and nicole moves with it.
I got this !
love,
Nickyworlly
My road to self recovery apparently involves facing all my fears and facing all the challenges i used to run away from. my road to self recovery apparently involved all the past to be dug up and thrown at me. but what changed, is the fact that im facing every bit and peiece of it. i was grumbling to god this morning and was really upset and i asked him, why on earth are you throwing things in my face time and time after again when im trying to move on and be a better person? why are you throwing things from my past to haunt me and stop me from ever trying to be better. and now as i type this post, it just dawned upon me that i can NEVER move forward and be entirely whole without facing the issues that broke me in the first place. i can never fully move ahead without reservations, without fears until my past has been addressed. i prayed time and time after again for strength and for healing, but i never realised that in order to heal fully, everything in the past needs to be addressed.
The thing about me is that i keep trying to fling everything behind me, but i always keep forgetting that everything that broke me in the past hasnt even been healed and i just keep trying to move forward. sure it's been fine all along and i try as hell as hard not to let it affect me, but today i finally saw that the day i made my decision and asked god for healing, it was the day hell broke loose in my life. he literally dragged EVERYTHING from my past and threw it in my face. it's really not funny and shit, but today i sit down and im honestly quite thankful for it. im honestly thankful for this chance to face my demons and make peace with it.
I've walked aroung my entire life being a broken person who wonders why the hell i've been so broken always. being filled with all my misconceptions of what love is and what i wanted in life was tiring and painful. entering in to relationships i never knew what i wanted, yude joked about how i always attract screwed up people into my life and to be very honest i think it's cause im screwed up lah. what i saw accpetable at that point of time just happens to be screwed up. it's not that the people are bad or anything, they are really nice people who i think i messed up beyond words and to be very honest it's something i will always regret and can never make peace with because those were pefectly good hearts i broke. but while it was harmful to them, i forget that it was harmful for me too. people come ang go and one thing that stays with you forever is yourself, i kept believeing that some day the " right " one will come along and everything will naturally will be healed. but i know now that even with god's love, the only way you piece yourself together is to the decision to try and address your demons.
the past may not matter a lot because it's over and those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter but end of the day, all the hurt and emotions you have felt through everything you have decided to do is still going to hurt and it will all continue to hurt till the day you decide to let it go. and even when you let it go, things may not seem the way it is. for your previous wounds to heal you need to take care of them, face them and make sure that everything is alright before you move on.
7th June, Sunday
I've typed the portion before this paragraph so long back and never published it and somehow today i decided to pick it up again. Funny how things are and how much as changed since the time i typed the previous paragraphs. Good things have happened and there are many more bad. But if we constantly focus on the bad, we'll never enjoy the good right? Well, intern is picking up so thats a great great thing for me, settling in and feeling rather fine about it. But the migraines are getting more and more frequent and that freaks me out a little. Well, how's YuDe you may ask? Life with him is always good, even when i spend an entire weekend doing nothing but being lazy with him, it feels like the best thing ever. Prehaps that's what happens when you find someone you can make plans with for 6 years down the road and somehow doing the most "boring" things can make you feel blissful enough.
People always say, we accept love we think we deserve. The problem about me is prehaps I never say why i deserve any more than what I am because I always saw myself lesser of what I really am. Funny how a person bursting with self-confidence can be so inconfident in reality. Yu De keeps making me see how much more i am than what i value myself for and how much more I should love myself, but it is also so so diffcult to do so. Afterall, you spent you entire life valuing yourself as so much lesser than what you are, it tends to get to you. it's never easy, but i really am trying. somedays i slip back into the little dark hole i have created for myself. but somedays i feel hopeful.
However, I choose to believe I'm in a much better state than I was 2 months ago. Yes, I break and I fall and i stumble hella lot, but at least I'm learning to be more comfortable with myself. I know that the journey to full recovery will take much longer than I imagine but i also need to remind myself and give myself credit for the fact that I have also came relatively far as well.
The road to recovery seems like a time to make peace with myself and all my demons and im proud to say that stepping outta my comfort zone to make peace with myself. It's still a long long journey but i'm confident that someday i'll make it. afterall, i have him to fall back on. <3 i cant imagine walking without him and im so thankful to call YuDe mine. :) till then, things will keep moving forward, and nicole moves with it.
I got this !
love,
Nickyworlly
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