live fearlessly ❤

my thoughts, uncensored at freaking 1 am onwards in the morning.. 

we hang on to things even when it hurts, even when it's making us unhappy for we like the familarity of things, we fear change and we are afraid of what lies ahead of us if we let go. we grow so comfortable to the idea of being comfortable with something or someone because they have been in our lives for so long. but what if one day we realised that happiness is not about feeling comfortable in your life? 

1 year and 8 months, that's how long it has been. it was a long and drawn out relationship that everyone around us thinks we're mad. cause all we do is argue for as long as anyone can remember. and it's really funny how much we argued and all but we kept the faith going in us that we'll make it somehow. rather i kept believeing that i can keep up with it. i believed that he was the world and i believed i have found the one. 

when we first met, i remembered how much i hated his guts for things he did. why was he in a course when he didn't even liked what he was doing i asked myself. didn't like how he kept flirting to get my attention and possibly didnt like how he annoyed me on whatsapp when i was trying to do work. but i fell regardless, i fell and i let myself lose myself thinking that it was exactly what i wanted. hurt the person i never thought i would and cause him to possibly hate me now. i lost my best friend trying to love someone i thought was the one for me and i let myself. even when i remembered how much i didnt like him at first. but i fell anyway. plunged into it. and i was happy at that point of time. 

we loved, we smiled, we played and we cared. But the problem was that i never knew what i liked about him and what attracted me to him in the first place but i cared and i really wanted it to work out i tried as hard as hell to be what he wanted me to be and was trying my best to be the perfect girlfriend even when i wasnt. i know i was damn hurtful at first and i tired as hell as i can to make up for it. thinking its okay to take shit because i was once that hurtful too. but i wondered sometimes in the middle of the night if i really was okay with it. if i was really ready to cry myself to sleep time after time over the same damn problem? was i? i can see now that i wasnt at all. i wasnt ready to lose myself, but guess what? i did. 

i lost the part of me i fought so hard to get back. i lost the part of me i promised to never lose again and i lost what i treasured the most. i lost me. i lost the sanity that i kept within me and i kept bending and breaking for things that i thought was okay for. 

i hated promises, and yet he promised to keep them. but he broke it. i dont think ive felt more alone when i was left alone for the 3 weeks when he was thousand miles away from me. yes i dont need you to call me everyday or anything but it would have been nice to have heard your voice once in that 3 weeks when i went through hell, when i killed myself that week loading myself with camps and NPAP at the same time and ended up fainting before my parade. it would have been nice to hear your voice when i felt like i was crumbling and dying. 

it would have been nice to talk about my future with you without telling me that you didnt like the idea of me bringing my kids up in a catholic enviroment because i was catholic. it was hurtful and insensitive. it would have been nice if you could have been there for my races before the start to give me a hug and tell me it was okay when i was trying to calm myself. it would have been nice if you could have told me that it was okay to be injured and not "i told you to stop" when the races i ran meant to much to me. it would have been nice to be more sensitive to how ive felt during my friend's funeral when i had to deal with losing someone who welcomed me with opened arms and not hear from someone else saying, " you realised you're already prepared to send your friend off but you're just really caught up because he wasn't there for you?". it would have been nice to be supported in my every step in my carrer option instead of " i don't get why you're always busy. " it would have been nice to just do work with me just to spend time with me instead of " im studying with my friends cause there's no point sitting with you when you're with your friends." it would have been nice to be held in the middle of the night when i cried over shit. it would have been nice to even been asked, " would you like me to come down and find you" when it's the middle of the night and i felt like dying. it would have been nice when i didnt have to deal with insentivity over whatsapp and asshole remarks when i was already in hell with my work and burning out damn fast. it would have been nice if i didnt have to cry constantly over the fact that you've been so hurtful all these while. it would have been nice if you has trusted me over the past 1 year and 8 months of us. 

if a realtionship is anything, it is built on faith and lots of trust. but you know what didnt exist in our realtionship? trust in me. you alwasy doubted and always felt i was too close to people. why couldnt it be that there could have been more faith in me? it was something ive never gotten and something i will never get. telling me you didnt like my friends when i had to deal with yours even when you told me that  they didnt like me. i took it and shut up and was nice to them. im sorry my friends arent perfect. no one is right? has it ever occured to you that it hurts when you compare me to someone else? telling me that she's prettier than me, smarter than me, better than me. it doesnt help that you compare me to a common friend either. you've made me doubt time after time if i was ever enough for you. if i was ever pretty enough for you, good enough for you, or are you just obliged to settle for something less? i'll never know. cause you'll never ever see through my insecurities or my doubts. it was 1 year and 8 months worth of time and you never saw through me. i read you like a book and i know when you need to be reassured and when you needed to be reminded that you're loved. but you never saw through me made the effort to understand me and what i really want. 

it's been a year and 8 months and you dont get me. im sorry im too difficult for you to read, im sorry i just was never enough for you to stop comparing me to someone else. im sorry that im me. im sorry that i was too complicated for you to get. my strength didnt mean i didnt need reminders that im enough for someone, my strength is not a liscence to hurt me. my strength didnt mean i was bulletproof. my strength was not a sign i didnt have insecurities. i was a person of many words, but if you realy knew me, you would know that im more broken then anyone you prolly have met. if you really knew me, you would know that i dont like talking about my emotions because i didnt have words for it. if you really knew me.. you would know what im carrying on my shoulders and why i was always so driven to do so damn well in school. i wanted to give so much to my life, but i kept bending and bending to become who you wanted me to be. i kept trying to be enough for you and guess what? i kept losing myself. i kept asking who the hell i am. 

sundays didnt just become damn important to me. it always was. but i always felt damn obliged to spend it with you instead of god because it seems like i never had enough time for you to you. God didnt suddenly become exteremly important to me, it always was and you kept me from trying to be good catholic and i let you. i let you take pieces of me away because i think its okay. i think it was okay to lose myself cause i can always find myself back but it's not okay. because i cant. i cant find me back and it sucks because losing myself is something i cant deal with and i thought you understood. i thought you would get why im always so afraid of losing myself. but you didnt. the same way you didnt understand me you didnt see that there was anything wrong in our entire journey. even though it was right there. 

it's not that i didnt loved you or that it was easy to get over you. you were like my own personal sun and i got too close and got burnt. it was a good 1 year and 8 months, filled with happiness and smiles that i will always treasure, because even when it hurt, it was good too. when you were there through the tough times. but what outweighed it all was the fact that it was toxic to both of us, when more than one person keeps asking me when i keep hanging on even when it hurts it already shows that my unhappiness is affecting people and i hate crying myself to sleep when its as if i didnt have enough to deal with, it was me that couldnt deal with that. a breakup is never a person's fault and even though this long ass post may seem blaming yout but its not, it sharing with you my thought all these months. you may not get it and i dont expect you to. but letting go is important for me because hurting is even worse, even till today your words have the power to hurt me and make my entire mood change in an instant and i hate it because i really am trying to be okay. bit by bit im trying to be better, i wasnt a good girlfriend to you. i was demanding, emotional and a hella of a bitch, but i was me. i was me all along. and even though a long the way i grew up, learnt what i really wanted, i stayed true to me. and i was me all along. it's not about whos right and who's wrong you see, there is no right or wrong in a realtionship. to love at all is to be vulnerable, to give the person free reign to tear you apart. if i had tore you apart wth my parting, that was what you have made me feel for the past year. imagine all the pain you're feeling right now, prolonged over a year. i loved you with my entire heart and i will always care of you and some parts of me can never be taken back. but loving you killed me. it took too much of me and i couldnt continue giving because i felt empty. i felt drained and i felt like it was more damage than happiness. i wasnt happy anymore. i wasnt bright and cheery like i used to be. along the way the colours in my life got muted and i forget what's like when we were happy. 

it was then i knew, it was time to let go. when you kept pushing me up the wall when i needed space, i just couldnt. i couldnt bring myself to hurt you because you still matter and i know, that it'll kill you and i wanted to avoid it at all cost. i really did. but i couldnt keep lying to myself that i was happy either. there wasnt anyone else, there was just me and you and the fact that i felt that we both weren't happy anymore. it was 1 year and 8 months of our lives i'll never get back, if for one minute you stopped to think and take your ego out of the picture, you'll see that it hurts for me too every bit as much as it hurts for you. but if you saw a little deeper, you could have also saw the pain ive been bearing for the past 1 year, but you didn't. what you saw was someone else trying his best to piece me back together. thats all you see at this moment. 

yes, i do feel something for that person. i feel comfortable with him, i feel ike i've known him for so damn long even though we only met a year ago. and yes, he understands me perfectly and it didnt take much for him to see through how much i was hurting all these while and how much i was shouldering and carrying on my shoulders. and for the first time in my life, he made me feel like i was exactly just enough for him. he made me realise that home might just be a person. yes, he likes me and im pretty sure i do too. but no. he was not the cause of us breaking apart because when you didnt see, all the problems between us have already forced us apart. why i could attempt to be happy immediately after we broke up? because before you drove me up the wall and i made it clear to you, my heart was already broken and mending, because when you were caught up with " why isnt she telling me or talking to me " i was moving on. i was clearing up my heart and i was trying to make it hurt less. because while you were thinking theres nothing wrong in our relationship, my heart died. Yes, i might have screwed up ending it and yeah i may be a bitch to you for " moving on " so fast but how sure are you that im over you? how sure are you that you dont affect me. it's not like me and him are moving on into a new realtionship or anything because he knows for sure that im not ready. because while you're hurting, you forget that i am too, that it's not easy for me too. 

you can be mad, you can scream, you can blame me and you can tell the whole world that i was the one at fault, but i wont apologise for finding happiness and moving on. i wont apologise for trying to mend me, i wont apologise for the choice i make because sometimes, you cant wait for the right time, it's now or never. i might never ever take back the pieces i gave you and i may always care for you, but i think we both deserve happiness that we couldnt bring to one another. we both deserve to smile and say i think im happy. but while youre hurting, just remember for once that it hurts for me too. you were once everything to me, the sun that shined and made me life brighter but like i said, i got too close and got burnt. it was a hella ride with you in life, and looking back all the happy times, it makes me smile and remember how happy were, but i forgot when was the last time we were happy in our realtionship because along the way, talking turned to screaming and screaming turned to crying and the love we had turned to pain and toxic and hurt. so yes, i will start dating when im ready and i'll try as hella hard to get over you not because i hate you or anything, but instead im looking for me again. till then, im dating jesus and making up for all the lost time i didnt get to spend with him. my realtionship with god was important to me but you didnt see that and ultimately i chose god over you. becuase my duty is first to god, then to my family and friends and lastly myself, our realtionship took me away from my realtionship with god and you just didnt make me see a future i can spend with you in christ. my faith was important to me, but you felt differently about it. 

to love at all is to be vulnerable and risk getting hurt, but i think i had enough of hurting and smiling is easier than hurting. i gave you the powere to break my heart and you tore me to pieces. so im lettign go now.

love, nic.