He provides and he knows us through and through.
It is currently 3.49am as I begin writing this post. It’s one of those nights where insomnia seems to win it’s battle against my bid to sleep but tonight was slightly different. Though restless, I always seem to feel tired and would usually fall asleep by 3am in the morning. Tonight in particular seems to be a restless night for my soul too and somehow I was extremely awake even though I woke up before 11am this morning (having slept at 3am) and didn't take a nap the entire day.
So I found myself heading to my study, pulling out my dairy and my Laudate app on my phone with the intention to find some time back with scripture. It has been a while since I’ve spent my restless nights with the bible or in his presence. I always seem to feel like something is missing at night but I just didn't know what it was. So today out of the blue when the thought popped out of my head, I decided to act upon it.
While waiting for the app to load, I was writing on my planner what I needed to do over the weekend and saw what I had written two days back “Let Go, Let God.” It was a reminder for me to let him take more control over my life and let him lead me to the path he has installed for me but somehow i struggled to find the peace I always felt when I remind myself of it. Deciding that I probably need to look for his guidance in some other way, I turned my attention back to my mobile app.
While reading the First Reading of the day, (Daniel 7:9-10, 13-14) a particular phrase spoke to me which was the last phrase of Daniel 7:14, “his kingship shall not be destroyed”. Taking in mind at this moment I was just blatantly looking for some comfort in his words and have no intention in linking it to my current situation in life but as we all know, God has his own plans and likes to hit us at the least expected. I started tearing up for some reason. It felt like he was reminding me that he has bigger plans install and that everything is in control which is when at this moment when I was internally cringing at my own emotions that I caught the Responsorial Psalm of the day: “The Lord Is King, The Most High over all the earth” - Psalm 97. Man, I was thinking, Ok God, enough, I got you, but as always God tears open all your wounds so that he can reach them so he made me read the second reading.
2 Peter 1:16-19
Beloved:
We did not follow cleverly devised myths
when we made known to you
the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ,
but we had been eyewitnesses of his majesty.
For he received honour and glory from God the Father
when that unique declaration came to him from the majestic glory,
“This is my Son, my beloved, with whom I am well pleased.”
We ourselves heard this voice come from heaven
while we were with him on the holy mountain.
Moreover, we possess the prophetic message that is altogether reliable.
You will do well to be attentive to it,
as to a lamp shining in a dark place,
until day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.
“You will do well to be attentive to it, as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until day dawns and the morning stars rises in your hearts.” I don’t think there can be a more timely reminder than this right now at this point in my life. I lost it. It’s funny how he gets to me really. Taking his time even though he knows I’m slowly drifting away and decided to hit me hard once in a while.
It’s been a difficult 8 months for me this year and even till today I have never felt so lost in my life than I ever did in the past 8 months. It was full of mental struggles and fights with myself over what I needed to do, where I should go. Come to think about it, I didn’t even thought much when I applied for Uni earlier this year, it seemed like all I really wanted to do was to apply something and go back to studying for my exams and wrapping up my FYP.
There was so little thought about was this what God really wanted me to do and was I headed where he really wanted me go? I spent so much time wondering but I truly forgot to discern my decisions with him and I felt now that all I did was rush through my decisions and made do with what I could. Now with that realisation, I come to understand why I wasn’t meant to be accepted into uni. I kept on thinking that Uni was the mark of “success” and that I didn't get into anywhere I am stranded and lost. I couldn't find my way indeed for the past few months. Bumming into an industry I never thought i would and ended up almost landing myself in the hospital. I come to finally realise that i forgot to decide first before making any decision.
All my three years in Poly, I always thought I wanted a career in the industry. I mean I should want it, why else would I be studying my course right? However in my pursue of my dream I started to realise what the real meaning of achieving my dream meant to me. Those late night spent in the office working meant that I don’t get to join my family for dinner. Those days in the office meant that I don’t get to be there for people who needs me because my duty would be to my work first. Those long hours in the office where I feel i should be comes at the expense of time with my loved ones. Time I know I didn't have the luxury to indulge in. I get a best 30 years with my parents if I’m lucky. Though important to me, my dream to me shouldn't come at the expense of my family. I’ve spent too much time of my teenage years, hurting my mother beyond words and all I really want to do is make up for all the time we lost while I was younger.
My years in poly seems to make me realise how important my family was to me. How much I really wanted to spend as much time as I could with them while I can. So I thought that leaving what made me happy was the way out of it but tonight I seem to finally realise that running away wasn’t going to make me happy. I seem to realise that I need to face the challenges that he puts in my way in order to make everyone around me happy and most importantly, make myself happy. It seems in my pursue to love everyone more, I forgot to love myself. I seem to realise that my mother wasn’t happy seeing me drag myself to work everyday because I was doing something out of my element. I realise my Dad wasn't happy seeing me force myself into a decision that i thought was better for everyone. I realised my sister was genuinely worried for me when I decided to step into an industry I had no affinity with.
Sure, I don’t think I was bad at my previous job. My boss thought I was brilliant and capable but there was always something missing to me, there wasn’t any fulfilment. The fulfilment I felt back in my agency. Even though those were some of the hardest 6 months of my life, I have never felt more achieved at every small milestone I break. I have never felt more empowered with what I could do. To feel like you belong somewhere and feel like you’re valued for what you do and you seem to have a special little flare for it? It was wonderful. It seemed to me for a period of time that i didn't want to do it anymore because I was afraid of losing time with people i care about. It was a constant topic with Yu De these few months when he kept encouraging me to go back to try out PR that I kept arguing that I didn’t want to be the kind of wife/mother that spends all her time on her career and eventually i felt that he’ll come to resent me for it. Though he kept reassuring me he wouldn’t but stubborn old me decided otherwise. I guess I finally understand why Yu De could tell me that he knows for sure that he wouldn’t be angry at me for my career decisions even if it meant i’ll be home later than him in future because he saw the joy it gave me. He know how important being good at something is for me. This little glimpse of understanding that dawned upon me seems to help me understand where my family’s stand is on my reluctance to go to university.
My mother and sister kept pushing me back towards the PR industry too even though they knew i’ll be a workaholic and come home late on weekdays. My mom knew that even though she wont have company on a normal day that I would be happier doing something I liked. Because my happiness is as important to them as theirs is to me. In my pursue to make everyone around me happy, i forgot what God had taught me in the first place, that i need to love myself too. It all makes sense to me now. I was crushed when I got rejected to all 3 Unis i applied for forgetting that in the first place I wasn’t even sure if the choices I made was really what I wanted to study.
All I wanted to do was to make my mom proud and happy that you know I made it too. Seeing my mum tear up when I told her I didn’t want to do uni anymore and hearing her tear stained voice when she called me after knowing I didn't make it to uni was perhaps one of the hardest thing I had to go through this year. However, the realisation also sets in that I finally understand that she didn't cry cause she was upset. She cried cause she knows that it made me dishearten, that I didn't feel good not making it. That I wanted to make her proud, but felt like i failed. It wasn't the fact that I didn't make it that hurt her, it hurts her because it hurts me. It hurts her to hear of my plans to skip uni entirely cause I didn't want to burden the family. It hurts because she wanted to give the best to me too. It hurts because she knew it wasn't fair to me that everyone else in the family was provided for uni and here I am bumming around to pay for my own uni fares.
Nothing happens without reason and I struggled to find out why i was placed in this current state i am in. Somehow, I realised tonight that i simply wasn't ready. Instead of giving me what i had blindly chose to do for Uni and risk me regretting my decision afterwards, God decided to put me in this current state to understand what i really want to do and where i was really suppose to head towards. He put me in this state to make me find myself again and truly be ready for the next phase of life. Every emotional encounter he has placed between my family and I seems to be aimed at making me understand where they were coming from and making me understand that my happiness was equally important to them as theirs is to me. These past few months seemed to be a fog that i wouldn't walk out of. I constantly throw myself back into the state of unhappiness because i see everyone else around me moving forward. I simply forgot that he has plans installed and all i really needed do was to let go and let God.
It seems like i forgot to let him be the center of my life and let him lead me where i was supposed to go, typing this right now i seem to picture myself as a stubborn donkey that has been trying to butt out of God’s barriers. putting a gap year ahead for me was to make sure i was ready for the coming year ahead and all i kept doing was trying to struggle out of it and insist that i shouldn't be in this state.
I guess God indeed has his ways to leading his flock back to his arms. He knows I needed to exhaust myself to the point that I feel extremely restless to figure out what he has been trying to tell me all these while. Funny aren’t we? As momma Ann always say, we always seem to find a way to insist that what we think is the right way is what God wants us to be, so the only way to halt us on our way to the "right path" is to take away all sense of peace and certainty for while. It leaves us lost for a moment and that restlessness is what brings us back to him when we are desperate and at our wits end. (Oh gosh) I think for the first time in 8 months I finally felt the peace i was looking for. I finally felt as though i am exactly where i needed to be and where God wants me to be. Though still equally clueless as to where this is going to take me but I feel less restless about it because i know eventually i’m going to figure this out and eventually I will be on the right track again. “You will do well to be attentive to it, as to a lamp shining in a dark place,
until day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.”
So as I round this up, I pray for the strength and the grace to always be reminded that I am exactly where i am supposed to be and in times where i feel lost and helpless to always be patient and wait for he will always provide. May i always be in active discernment over this one year to figure out the year ahead and make the right decisions that he desires and may i always be faithful and have less of me, more of him. So tame the restless soul in my lord. Thank you for the encounter tonight. :’)
God bless,
your faithful daughter once again.
6 Aug 2016, 5.35am
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